I am convinced, All you need is love.

I'm stuck in a weird place. Some days there is such passion in my heart & others I am apathetic about everything.

Ch-ch-chaaaanges

I hate that I havent take the time to sit & write what has been going on these last couple months. Ive been right smack in the middle of a bunch of changes & transitions. Its such a good feeling. Ive always been so afraid of change, being the kind of person that loves living in the past I'm finally letting go of what I allow to hold me back. Im not really nervous or scared... anything that I feel is positive. Just positive. How can I not be positive when I have the support of the most important people in my life? My family, my girls, Bmax, & of course The One in control of all of this.
I feel like this verse has been coming up quite a bit. Brenda shared it with me a couple days ago & its been resounding in my heart & mind,
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7
I think its pretty clear that my new experiences shouldnt bring me fear. Power, love, & a sound mind sound pretty positive & helpful to me. I dont desire anything but that during this time of transformation & adjusting. Wish me luck.

Personality

A lovely friend Wesley Page said this to me today:

"we are both brazen woman, who take pleasure in saying shocking things that are hilarious. we can use our power for evil and when we do all hell breaks loose....but we are servants of God and he takes that part of our personality and uses it in a subtle way that we sometimes can't even see"



encouraging.

I'm so tired, tired of waiting on you

I thought that maybe it was about time for me to write again, I put it off because I've had someone to release all my thoughts on to for the last month & a half. Thats been slowly changing & I mentally do not know how to deal. I share this not because I want my friends feeling sorry for me, but in hopes that I can some how make sense of my situation. Everyday for the last week I've been checking my phone every chance I get hoping to see a missed call or text message from Josh...& nothing. Negativity runs in & out of my thoughts & leaves me feeling sad & hopeless. I try keeping myself busy & around people that build me up, but my thoughts always end on him. We had been fighting a lot & he just got sick of it. He said we needed a breather, that we needed time to miss each other & not talk for a couple of days (bullshit in my mind) but I agreed to it. I refuse to lose him because of futile problems that have solutions. A break is not the solution to a troubling month long relationship. But if he wasnt happy because of how much we were fighting, then I believed I needed to honor that. Was I wrong? I dont know. Tomorrow it will be a week since Josh & I talked... Doubt has begun clouding my mind & now I feel I am left in the dark, with no idea about what he is thinking or where our relationship is going. I took the last week for myself as well. I thought about a lot of things & a lot of people. I enjoyed my time, though I struggled not calling him any chance I got, I believe I have given him what he says he needed. But its been about a week & I am getting tired; emotionally & mentally. Is this worth it?

Not a real update

Because I havent had a chance to sit down & write, here's a quick update:

1.I'm still working at the physical therapy clinic. I still love it, & I am thankful everyday for a job that pays my bills...But my boss is still an idiot.
2.I dyed my hair a couple weeks ago & its light, some high&low lights (thats for those of you who dont see me often)...& I think I like it.
3.I am loving wednesday nights with our youth group & looking forward to the new program this summer. It will be so much more intimate & I really think its going to grow us closer together, as leaders & especially grow our relationships with the kids, who by the way, I am loving more & more every week...& I cant believe I was considering leaving.
4.I started going back to my church on Sundays. its been a huge blessing.(still going to Monday night Bible study @ Inland Hills Church)
5.I am learning to invest much more in the friendships that I actually care about & letting go of friendships that weren't going anywhere.
6.Last but not least, I have been in a relationship for almost a month with a very lucky guy named Josh & its easier more often than it is hard. He lives in Indiana (that's the hard part) but we talk constantly (that's the easy part) We have plans. (detailed description requires a whole other post)... & hes amazing.
7.In other words, I am the happiest I've been in a long time. Those are just a few reasons why.



Note to self:
I promise I wont go so long without writing.

Lust

Lately I've been enjoying spending more time alone. I'll sit at home listening to music & reading random articles or picking up a book I put down months ago. (I can't seem to finish any books lately) I like books that I can relate to. & there has only been one book that loved so much I read it multiple times & highlighted the crap out of it's pages. It made me feel a certain way & challenged me to think about love in a different way ( sorry to dissapoint: it's not the Bible I'm talking about ) This novel warped my romantic fantasies of relationships & gave me a raw example of love vs. lust.
In the last few months I've reached high moments when it comes to relationships, & now I'm here in a leveled & comfortable & content place. I love it. I'm not crediting a book for my contentment, but I AM learning from the failures & accomplishments of a fictional character who was afraid of committment. I think it's hilarious.

" If he'd only say, stay... she would offer up her life to him."

Someone like you?

I wish I had the heart to write right now, but most of everything inside of me is tied up. & its tied up because I am holding on so tightly to something that clearly has no hope & that is even harder to accept. I don't even know how to let go & free myself of the pain it brings me.

Life lesson?

I cant believe how many hours I could actually spend looking through old journals & old pictures. Immediately my mind is flooded with memories of the exact moments when I wrote all of those things down & the moments following after; all of the things I didn't write & wish I had. It seems so long ago. I wish I had written a more detailed description of the things that happened or the things that were said. I'm not talking about any specific moment I documented in my journals, all together I wish I could remember every detail of my years that have lead me to where I find myself now. Sometimes I think about carrying a video camera & capturing every favorite moment of these last couple months. I don't want to forget any of it. I try to remember it all so that I could replay it in my mind whenever I want to, but as time flies by I'll remember what happened but forget what I felt, or vice versa. I suppose its impossible to hold on to everything.

I wish I had more memories of my family members that have passed away. I have so many, but I bet there is so much that I don't remember. What a beautiful gift God has given us, that we are able to experience remembering those that no longer walk with us. I've never thought about that until tonight.

I have found only ONE picture of just my uncle & I, yet I could remember hundreds of moments I spent with him from just looking at it. It was taken on my 15th birthday & he's wearing a black tux, his hand was on my back while we posed for the picture & we're both smiling. It is a beautiful memory that I hold so close to my heart.

So when I spend time looking through the things of my past I am reminded of how far the Lord has brought me & the different people that have made a difference in my life, good & bad. up until tonight I thought that, if given the opportunity, I would actually go back & change some things, but now I know I wouldn't.

All of this started tonight because I went to put my sandals away in my closet... where I keep my journals...

Time

I'm sorry I havent had much time to update lately. a lot is going on & I cant wait to share with all of you what the Lord is doing in my life & how my life has changed in the last month or so. (believe me- a lot has changed) ( mostly good) I know Brenda & Megan & Becky would really appreciate that I update more often seeing as how they are on the road (miss you/love you guys) promise I'll get to it asap.



Bea

Foolish things

I think it is the best feeling & peace when we stop to think of how blessed we are.

For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God and righteousness and sanctification and redemption that, as it is written, "He who glories, let him glory in the LORD."
1 Corinthians 1:26-31

You

Have you ever had something wanting to escape your lips & no matter how tight you shut your mouth, your heart seems to escape through your actions? Always.

Sharing

I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you guys (who ever is reading this). Its on my dry-erase board on my wall, but I've never erased it. Its been impressed in my heart & ringing in my mind. Enjoy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

Europe

For a few weeks my prayers have consisted of yearning for God to show me something great, to show me my next big step. I have been asking for something to motivate me or to give me a little push, in what I feel is becoming this stagnant old life of mine. Aside from my relationship with Christ (that is number one) I have been blessed beyond measurewith a job that is offering stability, (financial, emotional, & even daily feelings)I have great friends who are there for me & they offer encouragment & community, I have a family that gives unconditional love, we share a bond that helps me get through everything. None of these things fall under a stagnant old life but they do fall under my daily life. I DESIRE MORE. so the perfect opportunity was handed to me just the other day & I decided to go to Europe this May. For the next few months I will be challenged to not throw away my money on redundant things & save. save save SAVE! I am motivated to work hard at my job, save cash, kick my bad habits ( I havent smoked since new years), appreciate more time with my friends & family, & focus on my personal growth as a human being & a disciple of Christ.
So my friends, this is all to say, Im going to Europe in May.

He shall direct your paths

I dont get how I can be so impulsive about saying certain things & then find it so difficult to talk about how I feel. The problem isnt that I cant express myself the way I want, I think I'm just growing to fear confrontation. Which is not me. On my drive home from Oceanside today I had a really neat opportunity to be alone with my thoughts. I was able to bring all my cares to the Lord & ask for direction & guidance. Ive been feeling really different lately. Ive been so anxious to see & experience what God has for me next. Ive been so tired of this place that Im in. My growth has been so hindered by my soroundings & I feel such a need for escape. Getting out of Fullerton is unrealistic at the moment, but I know Ive been called to something more & somewhere different from everything that Ive known for the last 8 or 9 years of my life. When I went away to college my life was exactly the way I wanted it to be. I was doing something. I was learning & I was growing. I was experiencing life, traveling, seeing God's invisible attributes through His creation, venturing out with little to no expectation.

But now, here I am, working a full time job to indulge myself in all of my expensive taste for things & bad habits. Trying to live my life full of luxuries & pleasures, all while neglecting & ignoring my purpose.

But I see all of that right now. & Im so tired of it. I dont know what the opposite of all of this looks like, but I am putting all of my trust in the Lord & I know that He will reveal these things to me. I think I am beginning to see what direction my life is going & who I want alongside of me on the way there.

& who I dont want.





"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, & lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, & He shall direct your paths. " Proverbs 3:5-6

Seven things you might not know about me

one: I am obssessive about the organization of my stuff. especially when it comes to my closet & clothes. I have always organized my clothes from left to right, starting with no sleeve shirts, to almost short sleeves, to short sleeves, to a little bit longer sleeves, ---->all the way down to long sleeves, into cardigans, into sweatshirts, into coats. but most recently I've changed my ways & I now organize by color. starting with no specific color. yeah. OCD.

two: I studied abroad in Mallorca, Spain almost 2 years ago. lived & breathed Mallorcan life & air for 3 & a half months. (most of you know that) but what you dont know is that I still miss being there with all that i am & it still feels like I was there yesterday. my heart still yearns to stand on Mallorca's streets & beaches. its not an unhealthy yearn where I forget I am actually in Southern California, I just fell in love with a place & I plan to return.

three: I would not consider myself high fashion (as brenda says) or high maintenance. it takes me about 12 minutes to get ready for work every morning. I rarely take the time to make myself up, unless I'm going somewhere nice. but for the past 3 years, a couple times a month (in the last year its been once a month) -I like to spend the whole day pampering myself . taking long showers, taking my time to do my hair, give myself manicures & pedicures, facials & share time on my own or share with the Lord. all of this usually ends with a bowl of pop corn & a favorite movie. (either high fidelity or marie antoinette)

four: I dont like sharing cups of milk. I will share sodas, juice, alcoholic beverages, & I'll even drink out of the same water bottle or from the same straw (if there's 2)--but I will not allow you to drink out of my cup of milk & I will never drink out of yours.

five: Ive never had my own room. I have always shared with my sister. =/

six: every monday night I meet with my therapist. It has become one of the most amazing experiences & a journey about getting to know myself & finding my REAL identity in Christ. Ive been challenged & grown closer to the Lord because of it.

seven: sometimes I wish I didnt act the way I do towards people.

Being a servant of God.

Originally posted in my livejournal on June 4, 2007:

"I sense so much of who I am slipping away. I suppose Ive felt this way quite often. but this time I think im grasping who I am in CHRIST. & as I analyze the last 2 years of my life I see this pattern of conformity & settling for less. but if I look beyond this last 2 years I come to the conclusion that Ive been this way my whole life. constantly letting go of what I really deserve & settling for the easier route. & Im not talking about relationships. thats the least of my worries. Im talking about my life as a whole. my life that im so far from living & working at. I have one purpose, that is to serve the Lord. Im not ok with living a mediocre christian life which consists of working a full time job at fullerton community bank, going to church on sundays & when there are bbqs, & maybe sponsoring a missionary in india. thats not my calling. (it may be others' calling) i am to be that missionary. in india? I do not know. but that is beside the point. but I want to live a real christian life, not what america portrays christians to be."


I didnt always do my best at getting across what I was feeling, but with almost 2 years of experiences behind me after having written this, I am so thankful that God has preserved my heart to think the same way. I still desire so strongly to serve the Lord with my life & my whole being. serving Him in different ministries has been such a blessing in my own life & has brought true joy into my heart. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given & the even more my purpose that has been revealed.

1 John 3:1

"The great thing about love is you always get a second chance. Remember that, you always get a second chance."

-John Lennon

No, Seriously

I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give
myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind
plays tricks on me

Isaiah 40:28-31

I have been feeling really guilty these last few days. I feel guilty for being so apathetic towards my sister & her constant sobbing over my aunt. I feel guilty that I couldnt cry when my mom told us the news about my tia. I feel guilty that even after trying to make myself cry I still couldnt & was so caught up in my own things. The night my mom sat my sister & I down to tell us, Cindy lost it. Her cries were like the cries she cried for nights, & weeks after my uncles death. & I just sat there completely emotionless, staring at the ceiling. so many negative thoughts were running through my brain & I couldnt get my sister's crying out of my head. I could hear so much hopelessness in the way that she cried & I could feel her confusion & lack of understanding.

As a follower of Christ & His Word, I have been given & have received salvation. Along with that I have been given a hope for life after death along side our Savior. I have the understanding in my heart that in this life we are born & we die. Sometimes both come unexpectedly, but the larger picture that God has painted is beyond our imagination. (& even a follower of Christ cant know it all & wont know it all) I have accepted that there are many things I will never understand or live to see then understand. Ive accepted that because there is a peace inside my heart that allows me to see God's hand working.

Its almost like I'm literally watching God transform me & those around me (my family, my friends) watching Him give & take away, watching Him purge those things out of my life that are holding me back. I dont know how this relates to my aunt & all that she is going through, but at the same time I think that its through this that I am seeing these things.


I feel as thought I am confusing my carelessness for false faith in God. Right after my mom told us, my first thought was "my aunts not going to die, Gods totally gonna heal her" & then I prayed. I dont even remember what I prayed, but I remember my sister being the only person I could think of. -she handles death so different from me. I am sad ( I do have a heart) but I cant cry, & I cant let go of the fact that I cant cry over it, & that makes me cry. DOESNT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW. These past few days I cant even understand what death means. Its like I'm prepared for the moment I die to be with the Lord, but I'm not prepared to see my loved ones die.

My tia Ofelia's cancer spread to her kidney. She was given one month. I'm praying & I'm praying. My friends are praying & my family is praying. I do have faith that God could heal her if He desired to, but it may not be His will. I say that I am ok with that, but I really hope she lives.




Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
& to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint & be weary,
& the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run & not be weary,
They shall walk & not faint.