No, Seriously

I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give
myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind
plays tricks on me

Isaiah 40:28-31

I have been feeling really guilty these last few days. I feel guilty for being so apathetic towards my sister & her constant sobbing over my aunt. I feel guilty that I couldnt cry when my mom told us the news about my tia. I feel guilty that even after trying to make myself cry I still couldnt & was so caught up in my own things. The night my mom sat my sister & I down to tell us, Cindy lost it. Her cries were like the cries she cried for nights, & weeks after my uncles death. & I just sat there completely emotionless, staring at the ceiling. so many negative thoughts were running through my brain & I couldnt get my sister's crying out of my head. I could hear so much hopelessness in the way that she cried & I could feel her confusion & lack of understanding.

As a follower of Christ & His Word, I have been given & have received salvation. Along with that I have been given a hope for life after death along side our Savior. I have the understanding in my heart that in this life we are born & we die. Sometimes both come unexpectedly, but the larger picture that God has painted is beyond our imagination. (& even a follower of Christ cant know it all & wont know it all) I have accepted that there are many things I will never understand or live to see then understand. Ive accepted that because there is a peace inside my heart that allows me to see God's hand working.

Its almost like I'm literally watching God transform me & those around me (my family, my friends) watching Him give & take away, watching Him purge those things out of my life that are holding me back. I dont know how this relates to my aunt & all that she is going through, but at the same time I think that its through this that I am seeing these things.


I feel as thought I am confusing my carelessness for false faith in God. Right after my mom told us, my first thought was "my aunts not going to die, Gods totally gonna heal her" & then I prayed. I dont even remember what I prayed, but I remember my sister being the only person I could think of. -she handles death so different from me. I am sad ( I do have a heart) but I cant cry, & I cant let go of the fact that I cant cry over it, & that makes me cry. DOESNT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW. These past few days I cant even understand what death means. Its like I'm prepared for the moment I die to be with the Lord, but I'm not prepared to see my loved ones die.

My tia Ofelia's cancer spread to her kidney. She was given one month. I'm praying & I'm praying. My friends are praying & my family is praying. I do have faith that God could heal her if He desired to, but it may not be His will. I say that I am ok with that, but I really hope she lives.




Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
& to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint & be weary,
& the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run & not be weary,
They shall walk & not faint.

Si solo me dijieras tu lo que sientes

I have been torn these last few days. New things keep coming up and I have brenda putting things into my head that I previously have ignored. I still try to forget about it. To be completely honest, I think about it all day. (how ridiculous am I?)I met a sweet boy a few days ago. we've been exchanging a lot of words since then and I'm having fun doing so. Something is missing tho, I feel it, & I see it. maybe its because I have so much on my mind. (now, I dont say this in any negative way towards Brenda) but I wish she had never said anything to me, even if they were just her own assumptions & observations.

Trying to be transparent

Things have been falling into place & just like in the past, I dont surprise myself when I try to take control of my life all over again. I must confess that going to therapy has been a huge eye opening experience. I meet with this lady named Kathy, she is sweet & a great listener (of course) & really challenges me. she asks a lot of questions and really tests me. sometimes I really dont want to answer questions, but I feel the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart & reminding me that the only way I will experience growth is to be trasparent & completely honest. Some of the things I am opening up about are slightly hurtful. they are things that I never share with anyone because it hurts to even talk about, but the moment I opened up with Kathy I realized how much I needed to talk about those things. Its crazy how Satan tries to make us think that our lives arent important enough, or that we arent worth anything. I am really trying to grasp God's love for me, & I know that I havent been able to. there is so much holding me back from REALLY experiencing Gods love & forgivenes. But I am learning & I am seeing in myself the things that God sees in me, & what He desires to see in me.

I have a new job. I am working at IMPACT Rehabilitation Center, its a physical therapy office. I am enjoying every moment, learning new things & being a part of a great team. my schedule is great, I dont have much to complain about. waking up early sucks, but there are sacrifices right? the pay is great! it is the most I've made ever & I get to use the equipment to work out. every tuesday is employee work out. its amazing. it is a great atmosphere, & I really feel like I am practicing my passion for talking to people & interacting with them. its a HUGE blessing.


"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much." Luke 16:10

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well

I am getting a better perception of my life & what the Lord really desires to teach me. Its been a difficult & trying time because I am constantly having to discern things that come my way. I feel as though God has me kicking & screaming as He tries showing me something about myself, I imagine myself standing before Him while putting my hands over my eyes in an attempt at hiding from the person He is showing me I really am. Not that I am so unhappy with who I am, but when God reveals to you things you had no idea existed in your heart its scary. In just a couple weeks I feel as though I have been stretched & broken... being broken is painful. In no particular order, I was struggling finding a job, my friendship with Logan was unhealthy, I felt punished by people around me, I didn't have time for anything (because time is money, money is time & I definitely don't have money), & I've had such a strong desire to start smoking again, didn't know if God was telling me to step down from leadership, was thinking of leaving Wilshire Ave. completely & finding a new church, I had even taken a step & emailed the pastor at Calvary Chapel Fullerton & was talking to him about their college ministry.

I was not stressed out or going crazy, there were just so many things going on, & I really don't know how I am still alive. ha. I am really so thankful for the things that God is bringing me through, I believe one hundred percent He is working things out for the good, after all He is the author & finisher of our faith. God has begun this work in my heart that is going to take time & perseverance. Selflessness is probably one of the hardest things to learn, & even harder to practice.

The Lord has been so patient with me & has given me a peace about the things I am going through, I am trying my hardest to walk in the Spirit & lean on Christ, & not my own understandings.


Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. & hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Worry worry worry

I am so flipping worried. honestly, I am worried about money, I am worried about my relationships with people, I am worried about whether or not I am stepping down from leadership, I am worried about whether I am leaving Wilshire, I am worried that I have such negative feelings towards so many people, I am worried that all of this is effecting my relationships with my family, I am worried that I will never talk to my dad again, I am so worried & I hate it. I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. I want so badly to run away from it ALL. I just want to go away for good.

Brenda

I am one who does not handle failures well. whether they are personal failures, or failures of others, I take it hard & I dwell in them. I have remained so strong yet so weak this past month & a half, & tonight all of that ran through my mind. last Thursday Andy's friend Peter spoke at continuum. he spoke about so many things that pierced my heart & the biggest one that my heart has repeated back to me was to "run to Jesus immediately" Peter shared his sin & talked about the times he had fallen & that the best thing to do was always to run immediately back to Jesus. to leave no room for Satan to place guilt on your heart & to leave no room for shame. my way of running to Jesus tonight was by seeking out accountability & someone to confess to. the only person I would go to is Brenda. so I did, & I told her how I felt, & what I was thinking, I confessed that it was hard to believe that at this moment God saw me as beautiful & loved me... she reassured me, & persisted to give me words of comfort & encouragement. she repeatedly told me she loved me & it took away the fear of having to confront the issue. I ran to Jesus by running to a sister. I really dont know what I would do without her.