You

Have you ever had something wanting to escape your lips & no matter how tight you shut your mouth, your heart seems to escape through your actions? Always.

Sharing

I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you guys (who ever is reading this). Its on my dry-erase board on my wall, but I've never erased it. Its been impressed in my heart & ringing in my mind. Enjoy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

Europe

For a few weeks my prayers have consisted of yearning for God to show me something great, to show me my next big step. I have been asking for something to motivate me or to give me a little push, in what I feel is becoming this stagnant old life of mine. Aside from my relationship with Christ (that is number one) I have been blessed beyond measurewith a job that is offering stability, (financial, emotional, & even daily feelings)I have great friends who are there for me & they offer encouragment & community, I have a family that gives unconditional love, we share a bond that helps me get through everything. None of these things fall under a stagnant old life but they do fall under my daily life. I DESIRE MORE. so the perfect opportunity was handed to me just the other day & I decided to go to Europe this May. For the next few months I will be challenged to not throw away my money on redundant things & save. save save SAVE! I am motivated to work hard at my job, save cash, kick my bad habits ( I havent smoked since new years), appreciate more time with my friends & family, & focus on my personal growth as a human being & a disciple of Christ.
So my friends, this is all to say, Im going to Europe in May.

He shall direct your paths

I dont get how I can be so impulsive about saying certain things & then find it so difficult to talk about how I feel. The problem isnt that I cant express myself the way I want, I think I'm just growing to fear confrontation. Which is not me. On my drive home from Oceanside today I had a really neat opportunity to be alone with my thoughts. I was able to bring all my cares to the Lord & ask for direction & guidance. Ive been feeling really different lately. Ive been so anxious to see & experience what God has for me next. Ive been so tired of this place that Im in. My growth has been so hindered by my soroundings & I feel such a need for escape. Getting out of Fullerton is unrealistic at the moment, but I know Ive been called to something more & somewhere different from everything that Ive known for the last 8 or 9 years of my life. When I went away to college my life was exactly the way I wanted it to be. I was doing something. I was learning & I was growing. I was experiencing life, traveling, seeing God's invisible attributes through His creation, venturing out with little to no expectation.

But now, here I am, working a full time job to indulge myself in all of my expensive taste for things & bad habits. Trying to live my life full of luxuries & pleasures, all while neglecting & ignoring my purpose.

But I see all of that right now. & Im so tired of it. I dont know what the opposite of all of this looks like, but I am putting all of my trust in the Lord & I know that He will reveal these things to me. I think I am beginning to see what direction my life is going & who I want alongside of me on the way there.

& who I dont want.





"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, & lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, & He shall direct your paths. " Proverbs 3:5-6

Seven things you might not know about me

one: I am obssessive about the organization of my stuff. especially when it comes to my closet & clothes. I have always organized my clothes from left to right, starting with no sleeve shirts, to almost short sleeves, to short sleeves, to a little bit longer sleeves, ---->all the way down to long sleeves, into cardigans, into sweatshirts, into coats. but most recently I've changed my ways & I now organize by color. starting with no specific color. yeah. OCD.

two: I studied abroad in Mallorca, Spain almost 2 years ago. lived & breathed Mallorcan life & air for 3 & a half months. (most of you know that) but what you dont know is that I still miss being there with all that i am & it still feels like I was there yesterday. my heart still yearns to stand on Mallorca's streets & beaches. its not an unhealthy yearn where I forget I am actually in Southern California, I just fell in love with a place & I plan to return.

three: I would not consider myself high fashion (as brenda says) or high maintenance. it takes me about 12 minutes to get ready for work every morning. I rarely take the time to make myself up, unless I'm going somewhere nice. but for the past 3 years, a couple times a month (in the last year its been once a month) -I like to spend the whole day pampering myself . taking long showers, taking my time to do my hair, give myself manicures & pedicures, facials & share time on my own or share with the Lord. all of this usually ends with a bowl of pop corn & a favorite movie. (either high fidelity or marie antoinette)

four: I dont like sharing cups of milk. I will share sodas, juice, alcoholic beverages, & I'll even drink out of the same water bottle or from the same straw (if there's 2)--but I will not allow you to drink out of my cup of milk & I will never drink out of yours.

five: Ive never had my own room. I have always shared with my sister. =/

six: every monday night I meet with my therapist. It has become one of the most amazing experiences & a journey about getting to know myself & finding my REAL identity in Christ. Ive been challenged & grown closer to the Lord because of it.

seven: sometimes I wish I didnt act the way I do towards people.

Being a servant of God.

Originally posted in my livejournal on June 4, 2007:

"I sense so much of who I am slipping away. I suppose Ive felt this way quite often. but this time I think im grasping who I am in CHRIST. & as I analyze the last 2 years of my life I see this pattern of conformity & settling for less. but if I look beyond this last 2 years I come to the conclusion that Ive been this way my whole life. constantly letting go of what I really deserve & settling for the easier route. & Im not talking about relationships. thats the least of my worries. Im talking about my life as a whole. my life that im so far from living & working at. I have one purpose, that is to serve the Lord. Im not ok with living a mediocre christian life which consists of working a full time job at fullerton community bank, going to church on sundays & when there are bbqs, & maybe sponsoring a missionary in india. thats not my calling. (it may be others' calling) i am to be that missionary. in india? I do not know. but that is beside the point. but I want to live a real christian life, not what america portrays christians to be."


I didnt always do my best at getting across what I was feeling, but with almost 2 years of experiences behind me after having written this, I am so thankful that God has preserved my heart to think the same way. I still desire so strongly to serve the Lord with my life & my whole being. serving Him in different ministries has been such a blessing in my own life & has brought true joy into my heart. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given & the even more my purpose that has been revealed.

1 John 3:1

"The great thing about love is you always get a second chance. Remember that, you always get a second chance."

-John Lennon