Ending?

He takes my breath away, yet I still search for the reason it will end.

Jeremiah 17:9

How messed up are the thoughts in my head & how wicked are the things in my heart, I am really being affected by my present situation. I am experiencing so much all at once & my mind, & even body is begging me to slow down. I think I am stepping down from leadership at church. I'm not sure, that that's where the Lord wants me right now. I really am in need of days off from work. so I asked for monday off. since I dont normally work sundays or tuesdays, its my three day weekend. most of the time will be spent with the boy I'm sure. I havent seen him in a week, & I can honestly say that I am ok with that.



The heart is deceitful above all things, & desperately wicked; Who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

I still look every time I pass by

I still get this feeling in my gut when I think of the last year of my life. I went into a relationship that I thought was the most amazing thing ever, but 6 months later that relationship ended & that season of my life tugs at my stomach & I have a hard time breathing when I think about it. I am going into something new, time will tell if its good for me. I am ok with not knowing everything right now. I am enjoying myself & learning not to take it too serious this time around. I think I kinda like him. first time I've said it, or admitted it. thats ok in my book. I like him. remember to breathe Beatriz.

Not vulnerable...yet

I am really confused right now, & I cant figure out exactly what I am confused about. Maybe it's just that I like to make things complicated for myself sometimes, just to remind me that I have an ability to work stuff out & feed my pride. I know something about myself, I have this tendency to look for satisfaction in these things, I know it sound so contradicting but its the truth. Sometimes I really just like to over analyze things & make myself feel something, misery, frustration, & dissapointment. I dont know why I torture myself. I think its about my current relationship, but stuff with the boy are going extremely well, we talk a lot & we spend a lot of time together. I like being around him, he makes me laugh a whole lot. He picked me up early morning yesterday & we drove down to Newport to his friends house on the beach. After spending the whole day there, we had dinner at my favorite restaurant & then went back to his house to watch a movie. It was a great night. I cant stop smiling. Why, despite all these good feelings do I continue to bring myself down? Janine once asked me if I believed that I deserved to be happy, & my answer was yes, but to be happy is to be vulnerable. at least thats how I feel about it. There is no way that I will allow myself to feel vulnerable anytime soon. But I feel happy, how does that work? Believe me, it all makes sense in my head. I am happy, but I sometimes find it necessary to bring myself down.

A blog written while I was in Mallorca, Spain

Novemeber 18, 2006
Since I've been here in spain its been everything but extremely horrible. I've had bad days & even days where I've wanted to hurt some people. but the more time I spend here I see the power of God working in my life, His ability to change my heart completely, change my attitude, & even change the way I feel about people. i dont know why I thought I could ever do anything on my own. God is much more powerful than I & even more powerful than George W. Bush. [insert laugh here. but I'm still being serious] all my 19 years of my life I've lived thinking that the right thing to be was this independent woman, only concerned with that which would bring me happiness & help me. but now [more than ever] I want to be so dependent on God, I want to find my strength to do things in Him, & I want to find comfort in Him. I've seen all the other things & people that I've placed my dependence on [including myself] & its lead me no where. I've always found my self at a dead end wanting an escape, & the cool thing is that I've found it. ive found it in the only one who loves me enough to give His life for me. in that I find my strength, peace, & my comfort.


Its hard to believe that this was almost 2 years ago. God has brought me so far, but to this day I see this idea in everything that I do.

Heart

I'm learning to not take myself so seriously. There is no need when it comes to my situation with this new guy. This is all just apart of taking things slow with him & this new thing we have going on. I can safely say that I continue to guard my heart, I dont take the things he says seriously either, I think I am standing on this line of a hardened heart & a guarded heart. I hope I keep finding that balance.



Hear, my son, and be wise;
& guide your heart in the way
Proverbs 23:19

Radiohead

August 27, 2008 I will be seeing the genius band Radiohead, accompanied by my sister. My body & soul is ready to feel the music in our blood.