Si solo me dijieras tu lo que sientes

I have been torn these last few days. New things keep coming up and I have brenda putting things into my head that I previously have ignored. I still try to forget about it. To be completely honest, I think about it all day. (how ridiculous am I?)I met a sweet boy a few days ago. we've been exchanging a lot of words since then and I'm having fun doing so. Something is missing tho, I feel it, & I see it. maybe its because I have so much on my mind. (now, I dont say this in any negative way towards Brenda) but I wish she had never said anything to me, even if they were just her own assumptions & observations.

Trying to be transparent

Things have been falling into place & just like in the past, I dont surprise myself when I try to take control of my life all over again. I must confess that going to therapy has been a huge eye opening experience. I meet with this lady named Kathy, she is sweet & a great listener (of course) & really challenges me. she asks a lot of questions and really tests me. sometimes I really dont want to answer questions, but I feel the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart & reminding me that the only way I will experience growth is to be trasparent & completely honest. Some of the things I am opening up about are slightly hurtful. they are things that I never share with anyone because it hurts to even talk about, but the moment I opened up with Kathy I realized how much I needed to talk about those things. Its crazy how Satan tries to make us think that our lives arent important enough, or that we arent worth anything. I am really trying to grasp God's love for me, & I know that I havent been able to. there is so much holding me back from REALLY experiencing Gods love & forgivenes. But I am learning & I am seeing in myself the things that God sees in me, & what He desires to see in me.

I have a new job. I am working at IMPACT Rehabilitation Center, its a physical therapy office. I am enjoying every moment, learning new things & being a part of a great team. my schedule is great, I dont have much to complain about. waking up early sucks, but there are sacrifices right? the pay is great! it is the most I've made ever & I get to use the equipment to work out. every tuesday is employee work out. its amazing. it is a great atmosphere, & I really feel like I am practicing my passion for talking to people & interacting with them. its a HUGE blessing.


"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much." Luke 16:10

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well

I am getting a better perception of my life & what the Lord really desires to teach me. Its been a difficult & trying time because I am constantly having to discern things that come my way. I feel as though God has me kicking & screaming as He tries showing me something about myself, I imagine myself standing before Him while putting my hands over my eyes in an attempt at hiding from the person He is showing me I really am. Not that I am so unhappy with who I am, but when God reveals to you things you had no idea existed in your heart its scary. In just a couple weeks I feel as though I have been stretched & broken... being broken is painful. In no particular order, I was struggling finding a job, my friendship with Logan was unhealthy, I felt punished by people around me, I didn't have time for anything (because time is money, money is time & I definitely don't have money), & I've had such a strong desire to start smoking again, didn't know if God was telling me to step down from leadership, was thinking of leaving Wilshire Ave. completely & finding a new church, I had even taken a step & emailed the pastor at Calvary Chapel Fullerton & was talking to him about their college ministry.

I was not stressed out or going crazy, there were just so many things going on, & I really don't know how I am still alive. ha. I am really so thankful for the things that God is bringing me through, I believe one hundred percent He is working things out for the good, after all He is the author & finisher of our faith. God has begun this work in my heart that is going to take time & perseverance. Selflessness is probably one of the hardest things to learn, & even harder to practice.

The Lord has been so patient with me & has given me a peace about the things I am going through, I am trying my hardest to walk in the Spirit & lean on Christ, & not my own understandings.


Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. & hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Worry worry worry

I am so flipping worried. honestly, I am worried about money, I am worried about my relationships with people, I am worried about whether or not I am stepping down from leadership, I am worried about whether I am leaving Wilshire, I am worried that I have such negative feelings towards so many people, I am worried that all of this is effecting my relationships with my family, I am worried that I will never talk to my dad again, I am so worried & I hate it. I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. I want so badly to run away from it ALL. I just want to go away for good.

Brenda

I am one who does not handle failures well. whether they are personal failures, or failures of others, I take it hard & I dwell in them. I have remained so strong yet so weak this past month & a half, & tonight all of that ran through my mind. last Thursday Andy's friend Peter spoke at continuum. he spoke about so many things that pierced my heart & the biggest one that my heart has repeated back to me was to "run to Jesus immediately" Peter shared his sin & talked about the times he had fallen & that the best thing to do was always to run immediately back to Jesus. to leave no room for Satan to place guilt on your heart & to leave no room for shame. my way of running to Jesus tonight was by seeking out accountability & someone to confess to. the only person I would go to is Brenda. so I did, & I told her how I felt, & what I was thinking, I confessed that it was hard to believe that at this moment God saw me as beautiful & loved me... she reassured me, & persisted to give me words of comfort & encouragement. she repeatedly told me she loved me & it took away the fear of having to confront the issue. I ran to Jesus by running to a sister. I really dont know what I would do without her.

God is no magician

I have been in this daily acknowledgment of the things God is doing in my life, with those around me,in my heart, & in the hearts of the people I care about. It has been tough but it has been so good. It has been a season of healing & restoration personally, I feel like God has been taking all the pieces of my broken life & super gluing them together. but not in a way that we sometimes expect God to do things; not like a magician, (painless & quick) but like a God that desires growth in our lives, one step at a time & maybe a little painful. I believe that if God wanted to He could erase the pain that I felt in a second, again like a magician. but that is not God.

By allowing God to have control over my entire life I have experienced a joy that doesnt compare to being happy or content. it has been something beyond that, something permanent & consistent. I'm not going to lie, it gets hard sometimes. I sit & I cry when I remember everything I have been through, I ask God "is this really the only way" & every time, His answer is yes. how could I argue with that. I dont know what is best for me, He does. & who prefers a driver that knows where he's going, over someone who is not too sure if its a left or a right at the next light.

What hurts isnt what God is doing, after all, He is restoring me & healing me of the pain I once felt. when I hurt, I hurt over what has happened & the reminder of it, & I'll always remember it but I wont be consumed by it like I have in the past.

So daily I am acknowledging God's goodness & grace in my life.


Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 3:1a

I dont have a boyfriend

I am currently having a conversation with my good friend that I dont get many opportunities to talk to. (we are both normally busy, & we live in different cities) So when we get to talk, we ask the typical questions you ask when you havent talked in a while. he asked me "whats new? hot boyfriend? sweet job?" I didnt get into what was new but only answered that I currently had no boyfriend, no job, & no money, but that I was happier than ever. A few months ago if my answer had been the same, I'd probably follow that by saying that I was miserable. but that is not the case, I am happy. I am happy because I have Jesus. I have a relationship with the LIVING GOD, that brings me comfort & provides for my every need.

I am not writing off my need for a job to pay for bills, I have been trying for at least 3 solid weeks to look for a job, I have emailed a total of like 30 resumes to different offices, & have had 3 interviews. [so I AM trying.] & not ONE has contacted me with a job offer (except one sketchy office that i declined)... & you know, Christ has been perfecting my faith in the Father, by stretching me. I have prayed & He has provided.

I have always counted on the things that I have for my happiness. my relationships with the opposite sex, the money I make, & the job that I have, & my possessions, forgetting that my true joy & happiness is in Christ. but tonight, when I answered my friends questions & said that I had nothing but Christ, I smiled because for the first time in my whole life, I am completely content, & it is coincidently (or not) the same time that I have "nothing."




"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1&2