God is no magician

I have been in this daily acknowledgment of the things God is doing in my life, with those around me,in my heart, & in the hearts of the people I care about. It has been tough but it has been so good. It has been a season of healing & restoration personally, I feel like God has been taking all the pieces of my broken life & super gluing them together. but not in a way that we sometimes expect God to do things; not like a magician, (painless & quick) but like a God that desires growth in our lives, one step at a time & maybe a little painful. I believe that if God wanted to He could erase the pain that I felt in a second, again like a magician. but that is not God.

By allowing God to have control over my entire life I have experienced a joy that doesnt compare to being happy or content. it has been something beyond that, something permanent & consistent. I'm not going to lie, it gets hard sometimes. I sit & I cry when I remember everything I have been through, I ask God "is this really the only way" & every time, His answer is yes. how could I argue with that. I dont know what is best for me, He does. & who prefers a driver that knows where he's going, over someone who is not too sure if its a left or a right at the next light.

What hurts isnt what God is doing, after all, He is restoring me & healing me of the pain I once felt. when I hurt, I hurt over what has happened & the reminder of it, & I'll always remember it but I wont be consumed by it like I have in the past.

So daily I am acknowledging God's goodness & grace in my life.


Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 3:1a

I dont have a boyfriend

I am currently having a conversation with my good friend that I dont get many opportunities to talk to. (we are both normally busy, & we live in different cities) So when we get to talk, we ask the typical questions you ask when you havent talked in a while. he asked me "whats new? hot boyfriend? sweet job?" I didnt get into what was new but only answered that I currently had no boyfriend, no job, & no money, but that I was happier than ever. A few months ago if my answer had been the same, I'd probably follow that by saying that I was miserable. but that is not the case, I am happy. I am happy because I have Jesus. I have a relationship with the LIVING GOD, that brings me comfort & provides for my every need.

I am not writing off my need for a job to pay for bills, I have been trying for at least 3 solid weeks to look for a job, I have emailed a total of like 30 resumes to different offices, & have had 3 interviews. [so I AM trying.] & not ONE has contacted me with a job offer (except one sketchy office that i declined)... & you know, Christ has been perfecting my faith in the Father, by stretching me. I have prayed & He has provided.

I have always counted on the things that I have for my happiness. my relationships with the opposite sex, the money I make, & the job that I have, & my possessions, forgetting that my true joy & happiness is in Christ. but tonight, when I answered my friends questions & said that I had nothing but Christ, I smiled because for the first time in my whole life, I am completely content, & it is coincidently (or not) the same time that I have "nothing."




"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1&2

He must increase, but I must decrease

Last night there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I met with Andy finally and we were both able to share what has been on our hearts and minds for the past couple weeks. It really had been a burden for me. I was experiencing restoration and growth while this one relationship was being torn down by a lack of communication and honesty. The last time we talked we both left feeling frustrated and helpless. He desired to help me and I did not want help. During my process and journey towards a better relationship with Christ, my relationship with Andy was cold and unwelcomed, but last night everything was put on the table and there was reconciliation because of forgiveness and grace. Last night I was reminded that I am on the right path, and that my effort and dedication to my relationship with the Lord is not in vain.

I have been through so much in the last few years, and never have I fully allowed God to have control of my life. I might have prayed "Your will be done in my life.." but in my heart my prayer sounded more like "Your will be done in my life... minus the areas that I want to take care of, minus the relationships that I want control over, minus the decisions that seem scary..." I cannot say that at this moment I have given God that full and complete control, because I still dont know what that looks like, but with my whole heart I desire to be in His will, for His desires to be my own; He must increase, but I must decrease.

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.


Psalm 23

Friends?

I am a bit hurt at the moment, and I wanted to write instead of texting my friends and hearing "I'm sorry's" because although I appreciate their sympathy, at this moment I just want to keep it to myself (and to whoever reads this in the future)I've had this idea of what things are suppose to look like for "us"... I imagined, immediatley after taking a step back, that we would have a something that consisted of encouragment and a sense of true friendship, a brand new opportunity, different than anything else. A chance to reconstruct something we had both really torn down. Heal brokeness, and heal past pains and betrayals. I imagined myself learning to be more forgiving and allowing God to do His part in making me a woman who's eyes are always on Jesus.

Now, what I didn't imagine was that we would never talk, and he wouldn't return my texts, and more so, that he would do all of this and face me with a uniterested attitude.

I am terrified of sharing this with him. I am terrified of sitting in front of him, vulnerable, speaking my heart. Because I fear his response, and I fear the outcome.

Maybe it is best for things to be this way right now. Maybe I shouldn't fight it or try to change things myself.... In the beginning he told me he was afraid of what things would be like between us (our friendship) we both had so many questions, and the only thing I said was that we needed to seek God and ask Him what He knew things needed to look like, and maybe this is the outcome of it. Now thinking about it like that, its easier to accept.

Lightness

I am in a good place right now. I have remained hopeful but balanced with the idea that it won't happen for me again. I have allowed healing to begin, which means that sometimes when it hurts I start to pray and I ask God to comfort me, and almost instantly I am reminded of why certain decisions were made, and I am no longer scared. When I feel sad and I feel like crying, I cry. Because nothing comes from holding it back, except a knot in my throat; and nothing comes from pretending to be so tough and emotionless, but a broken heart with no expectation to mend. Sometimes I smile at the thought of our situation,even the worst of it, because although it hurts, I know how much happier we could be in the end.


" All her eagerness for life hung by one thread: _____'s voice. For it was _____'s voice that had once coaxed forth her timorous soul from its hiding place in her bowels."