My plan?

It has been for several days now that there has been a pain in my heart. I have been trying my best to rely on the Lord for healing and peace, yet I keep trying to come up with my own solutions. Thoughts of running away and getting out of this place run around in my mind over and over again. Even in the most dramatic ways possible I picture myself packing my things and leaving without saying goodbye. My life isn't too hard, sure I have a few issues and sure I have negative influences, but its nothing that God can't handle. Its nothing that I can't handle, Gods Word specifically tells me that God will never give me more than I can handle..so why do I insist on leaving it all behind? Why do I desire nothing but to breakfree of the life I live here in buena park, or fullerton, or at wilshire avenue. I am careful not to confuse all of these thoughts for desires of running away from my problems in order to not deal with them, because I am dealing with them, and I want to continue that, I don't want to leave behing unfinished business and unsettled issues, that would be unfair, and absolutely not good for my soul. I do have a plan, and I am open to God changing it, but I want to leave in a year. Out of southern california and out of my group of friends. I love my friends and no doubt it would be hard and painful, but it would be ok. My family is a different story, it would make any of this the most difficult thing for me to do, but I know I would have their support and prayers, and that's all that matters.


I have no idea where ill end up same time next year, I could quite possibly change my mind and my desires will change and I won't want leave, maybe I will find my calling in southern cali again for another year or more... Maybe ill even look back at this blog and think about how silly my thoughts were.. And say " what was I thinking? " , and that's ok...

Recently

It is mind blowing the amount of things that have been going on these last few days. I'm having a hard time taking it all in and organizing my thoughts. But this is only the beginning of the work that God is doing in my life, and in the life of those around me, people that I care about a lot. I'm really thankful for the support that I find in certain friends, I am beginning a new chapter in my life and I know that I have so much to learn. I am ready to take this head on and be stretched and brought out of the places I have been.

I've most recently been reminded of who I use to be. Its sadening when people still think of you that way, these people who never take the time to know who you really are. But because I am faced with who I use to be, I realize how much I have grown...

Heartbreak from the age of 11

A friend of mine inspired me to start writing more again. She started her first blog and I thought of when I started my first blog, and even when I started keeping a journal as a little girl. I will often look through a lot of my old composition notebooks and read about the beginnings of my boy problems and issues with insecurites. I wrote about that a lot. boy problems and insecurites always went hand in hand, I would write about what happened with a certain boy and then Id express how I felt. most of the time the expression of my emotions was negative, Id write about how hurt I was or how upset I was. this is all from the age of like 11 and on. I realized how early on I had begun to experience the pain of heartbreak and dissapointment. since then not much has changed, my heart has been broken and I have been let down more times than I can count. at the age of twenty going on twenty-one, I can say that I have sincerely cared deeply for a whopping total of five guys. I have decided on the number five because anything before the first of them I still only looked out for myself and was an extremely selfish person.(and because 5 is the number that John Cusack uses in High Fidelity) to each of these guys I owe a bit to because of who I am today. (of course not all credit is given to them, full credit is given to my Lord for saving me and giving me life to begin with!) Joshua Bandy, Eric Limburg(surprisingly made it to the list), Clint Cook, Logan Brubaker, Shayne Stuart. I wont go into detail with what they brought out in me, but they have had an impact in my life. to clarify, I have been in a relationship with only 2 of the guys on that list, the others have been close or just amazingly great friends. they havent all broken my heart, but the ones that have, have really shattered my ideas of relationships and have caused me to shy away from relationships. I am hesitant to trust the people who claim to care about me for fear of being taken advantage of and have my heart abused by the ones I gave it to. because its happened, not because my parents divorced when I was 11, and because I have issues concerning my relatinoship with my father, but because since the age of 11, I was already experiencing being hurt by boys and I was already experiencing immature relationships that would end because they found someone better or because I found someone better. I really hope that the next person I am with becomes my husband.