Ending?

He takes my breath away, yet I still search for the reason it will end.

Jeremiah 17:9

How messed up are the thoughts in my head & how wicked are the things in my heart, I am really being affected by my present situation. I am experiencing so much all at once & my mind, & even body is begging me to slow down. I think I am stepping down from leadership at church. I'm not sure, that that's where the Lord wants me right now. I really am in need of days off from work. so I asked for monday off. since I dont normally work sundays or tuesdays, its my three day weekend. most of the time will be spent with the boy I'm sure. I havent seen him in a week, & I can honestly say that I am ok with that.



The heart is deceitful above all things, & desperately wicked; Who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

I still look every time I pass by

I still get this feeling in my gut when I think of the last year of my life. I went into a relationship that I thought was the most amazing thing ever, but 6 months later that relationship ended & that season of my life tugs at my stomach & I have a hard time breathing when I think about it. I am going into something new, time will tell if its good for me. I am ok with not knowing everything right now. I am enjoying myself & learning not to take it too serious this time around. I think I kinda like him. first time I've said it, or admitted it. thats ok in my book. I like him. remember to breathe Beatriz.

Not vulnerable...yet

I am really confused right now, & I cant figure out exactly what I am confused about. Maybe it's just that I like to make things complicated for myself sometimes, just to remind me that I have an ability to work stuff out & feed my pride. I know something about myself, I have this tendency to look for satisfaction in these things, I know it sound so contradicting but its the truth. Sometimes I really just like to over analyze things & make myself feel something, misery, frustration, & dissapointment. I dont know why I torture myself. I think its about my current relationship, but stuff with the boy are going extremely well, we talk a lot & we spend a lot of time together. I like being around him, he makes me laugh a whole lot. He picked me up early morning yesterday & we drove down to Newport to his friends house on the beach. After spending the whole day there, we had dinner at my favorite restaurant & then went back to his house to watch a movie. It was a great night. I cant stop smiling. Why, despite all these good feelings do I continue to bring myself down? Janine once asked me if I believed that I deserved to be happy, & my answer was yes, but to be happy is to be vulnerable. at least thats how I feel about it. There is no way that I will allow myself to feel vulnerable anytime soon. But I feel happy, how does that work? Believe me, it all makes sense in my head. I am happy, but I sometimes find it necessary to bring myself down.

A blog written while I was in Mallorca, Spain

Novemeber 18, 2006
Since I've been here in spain its been everything but extremely horrible. I've had bad days & even days where I've wanted to hurt some people. but the more time I spend here I see the power of God working in my life, His ability to change my heart completely, change my attitude, & even change the way I feel about people. i dont know why I thought I could ever do anything on my own. God is much more powerful than I & even more powerful than George W. Bush. [insert laugh here. but I'm still being serious] all my 19 years of my life I've lived thinking that the right thing to be was this independent woman, only concerned with that which would bring me happiness & help me. but now [more than ever] I want to be so dependent on God, I want to find my strength to do things in Him, & I want to find comfort in Him. I've seen all the other things & people that I've placed my dependence on [including myself] & its lead me no where. I've always found my self at a dead end wanting an escape, & the cool thing is that I've found it. ive found it in the only one who loves me enough to give His life for me. in that I find my strength, peace, & my comfort.


Its hard to believe that this was almost 2 years ago. God has brought me so far, but to this day I see this idea in everything that I do.

Heart

I'm learning to not take myself so seriously. There is no need when it comes to my situation with this new guy. This is all just apart of taking things slow with him & this new thing we have going on. I can safely say that I continue to guard my heart, I dont take the things he says seriously either, I think I am standing on this line of a hardened heart & a guarded heart. I hope I keep finding that balance.



Hear, my son, and be wise;
& guide your heart in the way
Proverbs 23:19

Radiohead

August 27, 2008 I will be seeing the genius band Radiohead, accompanied by my sister. My body & soul is ready to feel the music in our blood.

Isaiah 60:1

I am so glad that God has given me some sort of wisdom these last few days, knowing what is important is that I guard my heart & lean not on my own understandings. I am drawing closer to God now more than ever & beginning to trust Him with my situations. I am seeing Him work in such amazing ways & I am constantly being encouraged. The other night at the youth group one of the junior high girls that I've been mentoring since last summer accepted the Lord as her savior & began her relationship with God. I was rejoicing & praising God because I knew He is going to do so many things through that girl. In the midst of a troubled life of a junior higher, going through a parents divorce, stressing out about older brothers & friends getting caught up in drugs-she saw the light & walked right into the arms of the Lord. I dont see anything more beautiful that than here on earth. We prayed together, not the sinners prayer but a sincere prayer for forgiveness & salvation. I told her to spend some time alone with God when she went home, & get away from distractions. She messaged me on myspace the next day, & this is what she said,


" im super excited. ima start coming every wednesday so i can talking to u about the differences in my life.i luv u so much u have no idea how thnkfull i am to be able to talk to someone like u :D,"


This brings such a true joy to my heart. Praise the Lord.





Arise, shine, for your light has come, & the glory of the LORD rises upon you. -Isaiah 60:1

No kissing

Though its been sudden I really like how things are going. We went out to dinner last night & then went to his friends' apartment in newport beach & watched a trippy movie. Sat on the couch together. It was nice. I got along with his friends, so thats good right? So today he picked me up from work & we went & got some pizza. Watched tv at my house then he brought me back to work & he went to work. It's nice to spend time with someone like him. I think I'm getting past fears I have. I'm not saying that I am completely ready to be in another relationship, I'm definitely taking this slower than what my relationship with Logan was, that was way too fast. I've learned so much from being with Logan for almost 6 months, I'll give him that. I'm happy with the way things are going. I like that there's no kissing or more than shoulder touching while watching a movie, we are not there yet, & I think it will be a bit before we are. For the first time ever, I'm content with that. I've always been one to validate myself with the affection & attention of the opposite sex, & as soon as there was a change in their behavior towards me I questioned myself. Not healthy at all. I hope & pray that I do a better job of guarding my heart this time & allow God to guard my heart more importantly.

Ready?

I keep asking myself whether or not I think I'm ready to date someone. Not that I'm forcing anything or purposefully going out of my way to find a date every friday night, but I'm preparing myself. My views of dating of very liberal. I dont kiss every boy I go out with, I dont immediately give up my heart, I feel like I am capable of dating in a mature & responsible way. Why must everyone I know make dating so complicated & give the word/idea such a negative connotation? There is nothing wrong with me if I want to get to know someone over a free dinner.

So today when someone called me & asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I readily said yes. He is a sweet guy & superrrr handsome. I'm sure dinner will go well & then after I'll decide if I want to continue. & you know, I'm ok with this.

Dreamer

I woke up in a great mood this morning, with a smile on my face. This is all despite waking up late for work. I think it was because I was in this deep sleep dreaming the most beautiful dream. I ran away from home & jumped on a plane to El Paso. He picked me up & we drove around aimlessly looking for an adventure to take on together. We found our first adventure at a book store & sat on couches reading & making jokes & laughing at everything. I remember thinking over & over is this really happening? (sadly it wasnt, but I didnt know that) We left the book store & hung out in the car. Talked & talked about everything. We shared secrets & stared at each other for hours. I'm a dreamer. I wish it had been real.

El Paso

Learning to breathe

I am beginning to see that I am accomplishing many of my goals these last few days. Small things, but somewhere I find motivation. My motivation does not come from a desire to please others like it has in the past, but to please my Lord. It has come from my passion to see God glorified in my life.

"Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. " 1 Corinthians 15:57