Not vulnerable...yet

I am really confused right now, & I cant figure out exactly what I am confused about. Maybe it's just that I like to make things complicated for myself sometimes, just to remind me that I have an ability to work stuff out & feed my pride. I know something about myself, I have this tendency to look for satisfaction in these things, I know it sound so contradicting but its the truth. Sometimes I really just like to over analyze things & make myself feel something, misery, frustration, & dissapointment. I dont know why I torture myself. I think its about my current relationship, but stuff with the boy are going extremely well, we talk a lot & we spend a lot of time together. I like being around him, he makes me laugh a whole lot. He picked me up early morning yesterday & we drove down to Newport to his friends house on the beach. After spending the whole day there, we had dinner at my favorite restaurant & then went back to his house to watch a movie. It was a great night. I cant stop smiling. Why, despite all these good feelings do I continue to bring myself down? Janine once asked me if I believed that I deserved to be happy, & my answer was yes, but to be happy is to be vulnerable. at least thats how I feel about it. There is no way that I will allow myself to feel vulnerable anytime soon. But I feel happy, how does that work? Believe me, it all makes sense in my head. I am happy, but I sometimes find it necessary to bring myself down.