My blog

It's funny how I just found out that people are actually reading my blog. I didnt expect anyone other than my closest friends to read it. What I find even funnier than that is the people reading it dont do it for the purpose of finding out what I'm about or because they care about how I'm doing, but they read this so they have something more to gossip about. Hey you, have fun reading about my life & my struggles. I hope they are interesting enough for you & they satisfy you. Take care.

well, I'll continue to write about whatever I want, in hopes of finding myself.


Beatriz Chavez

Almost lover

Damn, this is not easy. Because my sane mind knows that my decision is the right one, the one that will ultimately bring me happiness even if its tough now, but my insane mind wants to take him back the moment I see him for lunch today. & I am just being honest. I know he is going to come to me with all the right words with all the solutions...but they still wont be good enough & I know that with all my heart. I am tired of making excuses for the guys I am with. I did that with Logan & I'm doing it with Shayne. Its time that I got what I deserve. Its time that I stopped settling. Shayne is amazing & I have had so much fun with him, he's made me so happy & has treated me so well, but we dont see eye to eye in everything. & that has to be important to me. we talked a bit yesterday & he kept calling me babe, & I felt weird, he acted as though nothing had happened. I woke up at 1ish this morning to a text from him saying "shlub you kiddo. hope this works out" wtf.

Text messaging is overrated

I had an interesting morning today. For the last 2 weeks I have received random text messages from an exboyfriend (if you know me, I'm very sure you know who I am referring to) the text messages are very short & rarely is there any emotion behind them, at least, none that I can see through a text message. Sometimes he asks me how I am (which no longer bothers me.) sometimes he asks me other questions, like about the new Johns Incredible Pizza Place at the Buena Park Mall, sometimes its just to let me know that he thinks he saw me driving on Beach Blvd. near Biola. (which I wasn't) anyways...these text messages haven't been bothering me because I realized that we could be civil & I no longer had to hate him & could move past my past... but this morning text conversation would be different. (keep in mind this is all through text messaging. which I have unlimited of. lol. ) It started with him saying "I had a dream about you last night =/" in the world of text message communication, this face "=/" means something negative. I was definitely afraid to ask for details of the dream, but my curiosity made it easy. I noticed he hesitated in telling me what it was about, twice he said "I cant say." which turned it into a game to me because now I had to know. long story short, the dream was about a group of us hanging out in his apartment & us 2 going to another room...my jaw dropped immediately when I read that. he proceded to tell me that it had made him sad & that those dreams made him miss me (which implied he had had more before) & that it made things harder for him. I was honest with him & told him that he only felt that way because he had the dream, he responded "I actually feel like that a lot...youre on my mind a lot. more than you think. thats why I text you" that was the biggest bucket of SH** to land on my head! our little text conversation ended with me telling him that it wasnt ok to talk about this, & to forget about it... but I've felt like crap all day & I didnt forget about it... I keep replaying what he said to me; he thinks about me all the time, he misses me, its hard for him... what is expected of me is to forget he said that & continue moving on with my life, but I've always fallen short of expectations & I'm afraid.

Living in the past?

Never has there been a more consistent relationship than the one that I had with Logan. not even my relationship with God was this consistent. every other relationship I've experienced (including my relationship with God) has been burned down by my own inconsistency & or the inconsistency of the other person (minus God) Logan was my first experience of what a relationship is like. I think that that is the reason for why I find myself so jaded when it comes to my relationship with Shayne. Shayne is a great guy, he treats me so well & really cares about me; he really respects me & constantly makes me laugh & we have such a great time together, (the inevitable) but there is something missing. This is where I begin to blame it on what I had with Logan, its the only thing I can rationalize, I realized just a couple days ago that I had been living completely in the pass. everything that I did with Shayne I had Logan in mind, comparing them to no end. I am not saying that Shayne is not amazing, but we are just starting a relationship, where as though things with Logan ended almost 4 months ago, my heart still looks back at what happened & only wants that. a total sign that I am living in the past, in hopes that I will find someone just like Logan (which is impossible) but more importantly, a relationship just like my relationship with Logan. & dammit that makes me sad, more than sad, that depresses me. I am not saying that I am not happy with Shayne, I am happy, but my relationship with him is erratic.

Things that are inconsistent:
He doesn't always call when he says he will. (pet peeve)
Sometimes he talks real sweet, with a lot of reassurance in his tone.
The amount of time we spend together. (maybe a full day, tops)
The things he talks about.



I am not at all saying that I wish I was with Logan, I am just being honest when I say that I still hold on to what we had, because it was an important time in my life, & an important learning experience. a first of a lot of things. call it living in the past or call it whatever you want, I'm just trying to take away from it what I can.

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

In the last few days I have been making decisions that are presently working towards my happiness & could quite possibly turn into future sadness. (only time will tell) I had this great talk with Brenda last night & I was really surprised that I didnt get the reaction I expected from her, which is also the reaction I expect from anyone. I talked to her about my decision to begin a relationship with someone she didnt know, & in a sense, I suppose, didnt approve of. Not because he is a bad person but because she doesnt know him. I find myself stepping into a new chapter, where I am getting what I deserve - a person who treats me the way I want to be treated, makes me happy & respects me. But I am still skeptical of it all & I know he knows that. I feel like there are so many restrictions in our relationship, like we've already set what can & cant be done, & I mean emotionally. There's no way I can get use to this.

I like you

Relationships are so scary to me now. Even the very beginning when there is nothing going on, when youre not fighting about anything & youre just so into each other that all you want to do is be with each other every day.

Yesterday morning we got up real early & made our way down to San Diego with his friend Cameron. the Red Bull Air Races were going on & we spent the day in Downtown. this whole time I was having such a great time. So last night when we went back to his house we were watching tv, but not really because we were just looking at each other & letting out sighs. I thought it was a perfect moment to tell him that I liked him. just moments before he had told me that he liked me, so I responded " you know, I like you" & we kept it simple. I sat there & let it sink in, I had just taken a step forward. I love the way he responded, he just smiled & kissed me on my nose, then we finished watching tv.

It's still scary to me, but I feel as though I'm almost enjoying the fear of this relationship. Who cares if it doesnt work out, or if I change my mind about him, or if he changes his mind about me. I like him now.

My new 2008 Nissan Versa!

Beginning a new chapter

A few days ago I was cleaning my room, I was throwing things away that I had been holding on to for too long & refused to throw away, letting go (of some things) was easy. I was putting things into boxes, things that I knew I'd want to take with me... not just to bring along into my new apartment but bring along into my life & this new chapter of my life. Old pictures, letters, & a collection of random items. There were so many things I couldnt believe had survived through the years, each bringing good & bad memories. I cried over some & laughed about others as they were thrown into the trash. I've been avoiding throwing out a particular box which surprisingly holds a lot of stuff for being worth only 6 months of my life. I dont know why I dont throw it out. I really dont think that its because I'm holding on to him, I havent looked inside the box in 3 months. So this time when I was cleaning my room, I was sure that it would be thrown into the trash & I didnt do it. & I dont freaken know why! its like I was given an opportunity to dispose of something-that should have no place in my life or in my room, & especially not in this brand new chapter of my life- & I freaked. what am I afraid of? what do I think I'm giving up or losing? It's like I desire to erase him completely from my life, & never think about him again, as though to count him dead. But one cant do that, its impossible. Maybe I need to start smaller. Maybe I'll begin with forgiving him. When I go home today, I'm throwing away that box.