Never has there been a more consistent relationship than the one that I had with Logan. not even my relationship with God was this consistent. every other relationship I've experienced (including my relationship with God) has been burned down by my own inconsistency & or the inconsistency of the other person (minus God) Logan was my first experience of what a relationship is like. I think that that is the reason for why I find myself so jaded when it comes to my relationship with Shayne. Shayne is a great guy, he treats me so well & really cares about me; he really respects me & constantly makes me laugh & we have such a great time together, (the inevitable) but there is something missing. This is where I begin to blame it on what I had with Logan, its the only thing I can rationalize, I realized just a couple days ago that I had been living completely in the pass. everything that I did with Shayne I had Logan in mind, comparing them to no end. I am not saying that Shayne is not amazing, but we are just starting a relationship, where as though things with Logan ended almost 4 months ago, my heart still looks back at what happened & only wants that. a total sign that I am living in the past, in hopes that I will find someone just like Logan (which is impossible) but more importantly, a relationship just like my relationship with Logan. & dammit that makes me sad, more than sad, that depresses me. I am not saying that I am not happy with Shayne, I am happy, but my relationship with him is erratic.
Things that are inconsistent:
He doesn't always call when he says he will. (pet peeve)
Sometimes he talks real sweet, with a lot of reassurance in his tone.
The amount of time we spend together. (maybe a full day, tops)
The things he talks about.
I am not at all saying that I wish I was with Logan, I am just being honest when I say that I still hold on to what we had, because it was an important time in my life, & an important learning experience. a first of a lot of things. call it living in the past or call it whatever you want, I'm just trying to take away from it what I can.
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So... this was inciteful to say the least. Bea, we have talked about this before, a certain subject matter I won't state on here but you know what I'm talking about. I know it's hard to look over the things that bother you about Shayne and his annerisums... but honestly I think you find faultts in everyone and as perfect or great you thought your realationship with Logan was, it wasn't. It kept you from what God wants you to do, wants you to feel. Perhaps, he is having you feel this way towards Shayne because this is not what you need. I don't want to harp down on you whatsoever, but you need to think about you and God if that is your true desire. It could be your thoughts of Logan holding you back, or purely your own guilt from knowing perhaps this isn't right for you at this time. I dunno... i could be completly wrong, this is something with have to talk about rather than right about. But let me know when your done being busy and you can hang out with me. :)
Zuko
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