I am convinced, All you need is love.

I'm stuck in a weird place. Some days there is such passion in my heart & others I am apathetic about everything.

Ch-ch-chaaaanges

I hate that I havent take the time to sit & write what has been going on these last couple months. Ive been right smack in the middle of a bunch of changes & transitions. Its such a good feeling. Ive always been so afraid of change, being the kind of person that loves living in the past I'm finally letting go of what I allow to hold me back. Im not really nervous or scared... anything that I feel is positive. Just positive. How can I not be positive when I have the support of the most important people in my life? My family, my girls, Bmax, & of course The One in control of all of this.
I feel like this verse has been coming up quite a bit. Brenda shared it with me a couple days ago & its been resounding in my heart & mind,
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7
I think its pretty clear that my new experiences shouldnt bring me fear. Power, love, & a sound mind sound pretty positive & helpful to me. I dont desire anything but that during this time of transformation & adjusting. Wish me luck.

Personality

A lovely friend Wesley Page said this to me today:

"we are both brazen woman, who take pleasure in saying shocking things that are hilarious. we can use our power for evil and when we do all hell breaks loose....but we are servants of God and he takes that part of our personality and uses it in a subtle way that we sometimes can't even see"



encouraging.

I'm so tired, tired of waiting on you

I thought that maybe it was about time for me to write again, I put it off because I've had someone to release all my thoughts on to for the last month & a half. Thats been slowly changing & I mentally do not know how to deal. I share this not because I want my friends feeling sorry for me, but in hopes that I can some how make sense of my situation. Everyday for the last week I've been checking my phone every chance I get hoping to see a missed call or text message from Josh...& nothing. Negativity runs in & out of my thoughts & leaves me feeling sad & hopeless. I try keeping myself busy & around people that build me up, but my thoughts always end on him. We had been fighting a lot & he just got sick of it. He said we needed a breather, that we needed time to miss each other & not talk for a couple of days (bullshit in my mind) but I agreed to it. I refuse to lose him because of futile problems that have solutions. A break is not the solution to a troubling month long relationship. But if he wasnt happy because of how much we were fighting, then I believed I needed to honor that. Was I wrong? I dont know. Tomorrow it will be a week since Josh & I talked... Doubt has begun clouding my mind & now I feel I am left in the dark, with no idea about what he is thinking or where our relationship is going. I took the last week for myself as well. I thought about a lot of things & a lot of people. I enjoyed my time, though I struggled not calling him any chance I got, I believe I have given him what he says he needed. But its been about a week & I am getting tired; emotionally & mentally. Is this worth it?

Not a real update

Because I havent had a chance to sit down & write, here's a quick update:

1.I'm still working at the physical therapy clinic. I still love it, & I am thankful everyday for a job that pays my bills...But my boss is still an idiot.
2.I dyed my hair a couple weeks ago & its light, some high&low lights (thats for those of you who dont see me often)...& I think I like it.
3.I am loving wednesday nights with our youth group & looking forward to the new program this summer. It will be so much more intimate & I really think its going to grow us closer together, as leaders & especially grow our relationships with the kids, who by the way, I am loving more & more every week...& I cant believe I was considering leaving.
4.I started going back to my church on Sundays. its been a huge blessing.(still going to Monday night Bible study @ Inland Hills Church)
5.I am learning to invest much more in the friendships that I actually care about & letting go of friendships that weren't going anywhere.
6.Last but not least, I have been in a relationship for almost a month with a very lucky guy named Josh & its easier more often than it is hard. He lives in Indiana (that's the hard part) but we talk constantly (that's the easy part) We have plans. (detailed description requires a whole other post)... & hes amazing.
7.In other words, I am the happiest I've been in a long time. Those are just a few reasons why.



Note to self:
I promise I wont go so long without writing.

Lust

Lately I've been enjoying spending more time alone. I'll sit at home listening to music & reading random articles or picking up a book I put down months ago. (I can't seem to finish any books lately) I like books that I can relate to. & there has only been one book that loved so much I read it multiple times & highlighted the crap out of it's pages. It made me feel a certain way & challenged me to think about love in a different way ( sorry to dissapoint: it's not the Bible I'm talking about ) This novel warped my romantic fantasies of relationships & gave me a raw example of love vs. lust.
In the last few months I've reached high moments when it comes to relationships, & now I'm here in a leveled & comfortable & content place. I love it. I'm not crediting a book for my contentment, but I AM learning from the failures & accomplishments of a fictional character who was afraid of committment. I think it's hilarious.

" If he'd only say, stay... she would offer up her life to him."