Someone like you?

I wish I had the heart to write right now, but most of everything inside of me is tied up. & its tied up because I am holding on so tightly to something that clearly has no hope & that is even harder to accept. I don't even know how to let go & free myself of the pain it brings me.

Life lesson?

I cant believe how many hours I could actually spend looking through old journals & old pictures. Immediately my mind is flooded with memories of the exact moments when I wrote all of those things down & the moments following after; all of the things I didn't write & wish I had. It seems so long ago. I wish I had written a more detailed description of the things that happened or the things that were said. I'm not talking about any specific moment I documented in my journals, all together I wish I could remember every detail of my years that have lead me to where I find myself now. Sometimes I think about carrying a video camera & capturing every favorite moment of these last couple months. I don't want to forget any of it. I try to remember it all so that I could replay it in my mind whenever I want to, but as time flies by I'll remember what happened but forget what I felt, or vice versa. I suppose its impossible to hold on to everything.

I wish I had more memories of my family members that have passed away. I have so many, but I bet there is so much that I don't remember. What a beautiful gift God has given us, that we are able to experience remembering those that no longer walk with us. I've never thought about that until tonight.

I have found only ONE picture of just my uncle & I, yet I could remember hundreds of moments I spent with him from just looking at it. It was taken on my 15th birthday & he's wearing a black tux, his hand was on my back while we posed for the picture & we're both smiling. It is a beautiful memory that I hold so close to my heart.

So when I spend time looking through the things of my past I am reminded of how far the Lord has brought me & the different people that have made a difference in my life, good & bad. up until tonight I thought that, if given the opportunity, I would actually go back & change some things, but now I know I wouldn't.

All of this started tonight because I went to put my sandals away in my closet... where I keep my journals...

Time

I'm sorry I havent had much time to update lately. a lot is going on & I cant wait to share with all of you what the Lord is doing in my life & how my life has changed in the last month or so. (believe me- a lot has changed) ( mostly good) I know Brenda & Megan & Becky would really appreciate that I update more often seeing as how they are on the road (miss you/love you guys) promise I'll get to it asap.



Bea