I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well

I am getting a better perception of my life & what the Lord really desires to teach me. Its been a difficult & trying time because I am constantly having to discern things that come my way. I feel as though God has me kicking & screaming as He tries showing me something about myself, I imagine myself standing before Him while putting my hands over my eyes in an attempt at hiding from the person He is showing me I really am. Not that I am so unhappy with who I am, but when God reveals to you things you had no idea existed in your heart its scary. In just a couple weeks I feel as though I have been stretched & broken... being broken is painful. In no particular order, I was struggling finding a job, my friendship with Logan was unhealthy, I felt punished by people around me, I didn't have time for anything (because time is money, money is time & I definitely don't have money), & I've had such a strong desire to start smoking again, didn't know if God was telling me to step down from leadership, was thinking of leaving Wilshire Ave. completely & finding a new church, I had even taken a step & emailed the pastor at Calvary Chapel Fullerton & was talking to him about their college ministry.

I was not stressed out or going crazy, there were just so many things going on, & I really don't know how I am still alive. ha. I am really so thankful for the things that God is bringing me through, I believe one hundred percent He is working things out for the good, after all He is the author & finisher of our faith. God has begun this work in my heart that is going to take time & perseverance. Selflessness is probably one of the hardest things to learn, & even harder to practice.

The Lord has been so patient with me & has given me a peace about the things I am going through, I am trying my hardest to walk in the Spirit & lean on Christ, & not my own understandings.


Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. & hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Worry worry worry

I am so flipping worried. honestly, I am worried about money, I am worried about my relationships with people, I am worried about whether or not I am stepping down from leadership, I am worried about whether I am leaving Wilshire, I am worried that I have such negative feelings towards so many people, I am worried that all of this is effecting my relationships with my family, I am worried that I will never talk to my dad again, I am so worried & I hate it. I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. I want so badly to run away from it ALL. I just want to go away for good.

Brenda

I am one who does not handle failures well. whether they are personal failures, or failures of others, I take it hard & I dwell in them. I have remained so strong yet so weak this past month & a half, & tonight all of that ran through my mind. last Thursday Andy's friend Peter spoke at continuum. he spoke about so many things that pierced my heart & the biggest one that my heart has repeated back to me was to "run to Jesus immediately" Peter shared his sin & talked about the times he had fallen & that the best thing to do was always to run immediately back to Jesus. to leave no room for Satan to place guilt on your heart & to leave no room for shame. my way of running to Jesus tonight was by seeking out accountability & someone to confess to. the only person I would go to is Brenda. so I did, & I told her how I felt, & what I was thinking, I confessed that it was hard to believe that at this moment God saw me as beautiful & loved me... she reassured me, & persisted to give me words of comfort & encouragement. she repeatedly told me she loved me & it took away the fear of having to confront the issue. I ran to Jesus by running to a sister. I really dont know what I would do without her.