Heartbreak from the age of 11

A friend of mine inspired me to start writing more again. She started her first blog and I thought of when I started my first blog, and even when I started keeping a journal as a little girl. I will often look through a lot of my old composition notebooks and read about the beginnings of my boy problems and issues with insecurites. I wrote about that a lot. boy problems and insecurites always went hand in hand, I would write about what happened with a certain boy and then Id express how I felt. most of the time the expression of my emotions was negative, Id write about how hurt I was or how upset I was. this is all from the age of like 11 and on. I realized how early on I had begun to experience the pain of heartbreak and dissapointment. since then not much has changed, my heart has been broken and I have been let down more times than I can count. at the age of twenty going on twenty-one, I can say that I have sincerely cared deeply for a whopping total of five guys. I have decided on the number five because anything before the first of them I still only looked out for myself and was an extremely selfish person.(and because 5 is the number that John Cusack uses in High Fidelity) to each of these guys I owe a bit to because of who I am today. (of course not all credit is given to them, full credit is given to my Lord for saving me and giving me life to begin with!) Joshua Bandy, Eric Limburg(surprisingly made it to the list), Clint Cook, Logan Brubaker, Shayne Stuart. I wont go into detail with what they brought out in me, but they have had an impact in my life. to clarify, I have been in a relationship with only 2 of the guys on that list, the others have been close or just amazingly great friends. they havent all broken my heart, but the ones that have, have really shattered my ideas of relationships and have caused me to shy away from relationships. I am hesitant to trust the people who claim to care about me for fear of being taken advantage of and have my heart abused by the ones I gave it to. because its happened, not because my parents divorced when I was 11, and because I have issues concerning my relatinoship with my father, but because since the age of 11, I was already experiencing being hurt by boys and I was already experiencing immature relationships that would end because they found someone better or because I found someone better. I really hope that the next person I am with becomes my husband.