I have been feeling really guilty these last few days. I feel guilty for being so apathetic towards my sister & her constant sobbing over my aunt. I feel guilty that I couldnt cry when my mom told us the news about my tia. I feel guilty that even after trying to make myself cry I still couldnt & was so caught up in my own things. The night my mom sat my sister & I down to tell us, Cindy lost it. Her cries were like the cries she cried for nights, & weeks after my uncles death. & I just sat there completely emotionless, staring at the ceiling. so many negative thoughts were running through my brain & I couldnt get my sister's crying out of my head. I could hear so much hopelessness in the way that she cried & I could feel her confusion & lack of understanding.
As a follower of Christ & His Word, I have been given & have received salvation. Along with that I have been given a hope for life after death along side our Savior. I have the understanding in my heart that in this life we are born & we die. Sometimes both come unexpectedly, but the larger picture that God has painted is beyond our imagination. (& even a follower of Christ cant know it all & wont know it all) I have accepted that there are many things I will never understand or live to see then understand. Ive accepted that because there is a peace inside my heart that allows me to see God's hand working.
Its almost like I'm literally watching God transform me & those around me (my family, my friends) watching Him give & take away, watching Him purge those things out of my life that are holding me back. I dont know how this relates to my aunt & all that she is going through, but at the same time I think that its through this that I am seeing these things.
I feel as thought I am confusing my carelessness for false faith in God. Right after my mom told us, my first thought was "my aunts not going to die, Gods totally gonna heal her" & then I prayed. I dont even remember what I prayed, but I remember my sister being the only person I could think of. -she handles death so different from me. I am sad ( I do have a heart) but I cant cry, & I cant let go of the fact that I cant cry over it, & that makes me cry. DOESNT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW. These past few days I cant even understand what death means. Its like I'm prepared for the moment I die to be with the Lord, but I'm not prepared to see my loved ones die.
My tia Ofelia's cancer spread to her kidney. She was given one month. I'm praying & I'm praying. My friends are praying & my family is praying. I do have faith that God could heal her if He desired to, but it may not be His will. I say that I am ok with that, but I really hope she lives.
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
& to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint & be weary,
& the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run & not be weary,
They shall walk & not faint.
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5 comments:
My sister, you are right when you say God is teaching you through this time. The fact that you can acknowledge that, is huge. Most people can't and it's almost like they "miss the mark".
It's a bitter-sweet situation when it comes to the topic of death for us as followers. We feel emotionless because we have so much hope; but isn't that from the Lord? In His hope, we are secure.
Bea, if I was your doctor, I'd diagnose you as "okay". What you are feeling, what you are doing, is fine. Don't get down on yourself too much.
LOVE YOU.
brenda, it means a whole lot that you would give me that sort of encouragement. seriously.
LOVE YOU TOO.
Death is a very difficult thing to deal with. It's a very sobering experience to say the least. In life there is tragedy and pain. There is also beauty and peace. Negativity is an epidemic. It spreads like wildfire and infects your life. I've found it really helps me to push it out whenever possible. I hope your Aunt gets better.
-josh
I am sorry to hear about your aunt. But I agree with Brenda. I don't think you need to feel guilty for having a strong faith that gives you hope. That is something to feel grateful for and find strength in, not guilt. I will pray for your aunt and your family.
P.S. What does your blog title mean?
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