Boo Bea

I sincerely wish I had never given up. We said we never would, & I was the first to go.

I'm not ready.

It is mind blowing that you could go from being with someone for so long& being completely crazy about them, to not being with them at all. One moment you see them everyday & spend every minute with them,&the next you can't even stand to be in the same room with them, the thought of them causes you pain& your memories together become the saddest moments. I miss logan, I miss him a lot. We shared a lot, but im not sad because I want to be with him. Im sad because I know deep down im not over him, because deep down he has a hold on my heart. Im not ready to move on, he is. I have not let go.

Even though a cute & smart guy asked me out today, it didn't feel right. My heart didn't feel right. He has a new girlfriend & I can't even see myself getting to know someone else.

A letter I will never give him

I saw you tonight & my first instinct was to go right up to you & kiss your face & hug your body, to tell you about my long day & ask about yours. It has been almost 2 months now & my heart still reacts the same way. When I see you I still want to hold your hand, I still expect you to look at me like you use to. Every time I see you, I think back on all the things we both did wrong & I wish that we could go back & just do it all over again, maybe then I'd be happy. Though I know you will never read this, I have questions to ask you... are you honestly & sincerely happy?

Can you tell me why I sit here & cry over you, while you continue to be selfish & add another relationship to your list. You see, that's your problem. The way you dealt with our break up was to immediately start seeing someone else... you know that I can't even think of holding another persons hand other than yours, do you know that I don't have even the smallest desire to kiss someone. Do you know that I've built a wall so high that I feel almost incapable of caring about anyone as much as I cared about you. I bet you don't... I bet you don't know that I've dreamt about you every night for the last week, & that it brings me such pain to see your face. You have no idea because you are so caught up in yourself & you don't care that I am hurting. I lied when I said I didn't care what you were doing. I lied when I told all my friends that I was "way over you" , & I lied when I said I was ready to move on. I haven't moved on, & im scared.

I'm so far away from where I want to be. I just thought I'd let you know.



Love, Beatriz

Unemployed

& before I forget, I quit my job today. I was given no other choice. I know things will work out.

Moving out

My mind is full of insecurities & worries concerning my fast coming adventure. In a few months I will begin this whole new chapter of my life. Brand new responsibilities, brand new expectations & an (almost) fully independent lifestyle. I say almost because I know that there will come a day when I won't be able to pay a bill, & I will ask my mom or dad for money. & that is ok. I'm just beginning this. I don't need to "get it right" the first time. I can't wait to do this. Katlynne, I can't wait to cook us dinner, or take turns washing the bathroom, or even go grocery shopping for the first time. This is an adventure, & I'm so excited that you're coming along.

Piece of peace

Commitment

At age eleven I experienced my parents' marriage go to hell. For the last nine years I haven't talk about it. When people asked the inevitable question, "are your parents still together?" my answer never surprised me or anyone. The idea of something so sacred becoming so cheap & unimportant in the eyes of the world makes me sad. I see marriage as such a beautiful reflection of the relationship that God desires to have with each one of us. It goes beyond a legal contract. It is a commitment to one another. A COMMITEMENT. What does that even mean to us anymore?

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. "

Ephesians 5:22-29



If a husband loves his wife like Christ loved the church (in a selfless way, wanting nothing in return) a wife will want to submit. If a wife submits, the husband will want to love her selflessly. It works. So tell me why so many marriages fail, aside from the obvious answer.

Work

This morning I woke up & realized how many mornings I wake up thinking "why am I getting up this early?" I feel so unsatisfied with the amount of sleep I get. I wake up with less than 30 minutes to get ready & I have to force myself to pick out something to wear that is appropriate for the office, do my hair (which I don't like doing), I don't eat breakfast, & I do my makeup in the car on the way to work. I'm so unsatisfied with what I do. I have desires to do so much more & be so much more & I know this is just a stepping stone, but who knows how long I'll be here.

Just waiting.

These past couple weeks my mind has been to new places. There is something building up inside of me wanting to escape. I don't know what it is. It's like I have all of these ideas that are waiting to catch some air, waiting to reach someone else's ear & resound in their heart. It all comes from deep within my soul, beyond my consciousness , beyond my deceiving & evil heart. Just waiting. Waiting to be heard.