Seven things you might not know about me

one: I am obssessive about the organization of my stuff. especially when it comes to my closet & clothes. I have always organized my clothes from left to right, starting with no sleeve shirts, to almost short sleeves, to short sleeves, to a little bit longer sleeves, ---->all the way down to long sleeves, into cardigans, into sweatshirts, into coats. but most recently I've changed my ways & I now organize by color. starting with no specific color. yeah. OCD.

two: I studied abroad in Mallorca, Spain almost 2 years ago. lived & breathed Mallorcan life & air for 3 & a half months. (most of you know that) but what you dont know is that I still miss being there with all that i am & it still feels like I was there yesterday. my heart still yearns to stand on Mallorca's streets & beaches. its not an unhealthy yearn where I forget I am actually in Southern California, I just fell in love with a place & I plan to return.

three: I would not consider myself high fashion (as brenda says) or high maintenance. it takes me about 12 minutes to get ready for work every morning. I rarely take the time to make myself up, unless I'm going somewhere nice. but for the past 3 years, a couple times a month (in the last year its been once a month) -I like to spend the whole day pampering myself . taking long showers, taking my time to do my hair, give myself manicures & pedicures, facials & share time on my own or share with the Lord. all of this usually ends with a bowl of pop corn & a favorite movie. (either high fidelity or marie antoinette)

four: I dont like sharing cups of milk. I will share sodas, juice, alcoholic beverages, & I'll even drink out of the same water bottle or from the same straw (if there's 2)--but I will not allow you to drink out of my cup of milk & I will never drink out of yours.

five: Ive never had my own room. I have always shared with my sister. =/

six: every monday night I meet with my therapist. It has become one of the most amazing experiences & a journey about getting to know myself & finding my REAL identity in Christ. Ive been challenged & grown closer to the Lord because of it.

seven: sometimes I wish I didnt act the way I do towards people.

Being a servant of God.

Originally posted in my livejournal on June 4, 2007:

"I sense so much of who I am slipping away. I suppose Ive felt this way quite often. but this time I think im grasping who I am in CHRIST. & as I analyze the last 2 years of my life I see this pattern of conformity & settling for less. but if I look beyond this last 2 years I come to the conclusion that Ive been this way my whole life. constantly letting go of what I really deserve & settling for the easier route. & Im not talking about relationships. thats the least of my worries. Im talking about my life as a whole. my life that im so far from living & working at. I have one purpose, that is to serve the Lord. Im not ok with living a mediocre christian life which consists of working a full time job at fullerton community bank, going to church on sundays & when there are bbqs, & maybe sponsoring a missionary in india. thats not my calling. (it may be others' calling) i am to be that missionary. in india? I do not know. but that is beside the point. but I want to live a real christian life, not what america portrays christians to be."


I didnt always do my best at getting across what I was feeling, but with almost 2 years of experiences behind me after having written this, I am so thankful that God has preserved my heart to think the same way. I still desire so strongly to serve the Lord with my life & my whole being. serving Him in different ministries has been such a blessing in my own life & has brought true joy into my heart. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given & the even more my purpose that has been revealed.

1 John 3:1

"The great thing about love is you always get a second chance. Remember that, you always get a second chance."

-John Lennon

No, Seriously

I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give
myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind
plays tricks on me

Isaiah 40:28-31

I have been feeling really guilty these last few days. I feel guilty for being so apathetic towards my sister & her constant sobbing over my aunt. I feel guilty that I couldnt cry when my mom told us the news about my tia. I feel guilty that even after trying to make myself cry I still couldnt & was so caught up in my own things. The night my mom sat my sister & I down to tell us, Cindy lost it. Her cries were like the cries she cried for nights, & weeks after my uncles death. & I just sat there completely emotionless, staring at the ceiling. so many negative thoughts were running through my brain & I couldnt get my sister's crying out of my head. I could hear so much hopelessness in the way that she cried & I could feel her confusion & lack of understanding.

As a follower of Christ & His Word, I have been given & have received salvation. Along with that I have been given a hope for life after death along side our Savior. I have the understanding in my heart that in this life we are born & we die. Sometimes both come unexpectedly, but the larger picture that God has painted is beyond our imagination. (& even a follower of Christ cant know it all & wont know it all) I have accepted that there are many things I will never understand or live to see then understand. Ive accepted that because there is a peace inside my heart that allows me to see God's hand working.

Its almost like I'm literally watching God transform me & those around me (my family, my friends) watching Him give & take away, watching Him purge those things out of my life that are holding me back. I dont know how this relates to my aunt & all that she is going through, but at the same time I think that its through this that I am seeing these things.


I feel as thought I am confusing my carelessness for false faith in God. Right after my mom told us, my first thought was "my aunts not going to die, Gods totally gonna heal her" & then I prayed. I dont even remember what I prayed, but I remember my sister being the only person I could think of. -she handles death so different from me. I am sad ( I do have a heart) but I cant cry, & I cant let go of the fact that I cant cry over it, & that makes me cry. DOESNT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW. These past few days I cant even understand what death means. Its like I'm prepared for the moment I die to be with the Lord, but I'm not prepared to see my loved ones die.

My tia Ofelia's cancer spread to her kidney. She was given one month. I'm praying & I'm praying. My friends are praying & my family is praying. I do have faith that God could heal her if He desired to, but it may not be His will. I say that I am ok with that, but I really hope she lives.




Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
& to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint & be weary,
& the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run & not be weary,
They shall walk & not faint.

Si solo me dijieras tu lo que sientes

I have been torn these last few days. New things keep coming up and I have brenda putting things into my head that I previously have ignored. I still try to forget about it. To be completely honest, I think about it all day. (how ridiculous am I?)I met a sweet boy a few days ago. we've been exchanging a lot of words since then and I'm having fun doing so. Something is missing tho, I feel it, & I see it. maybe its because I have so much on my mind. (now, I dont say this in any negative way towards Brenda) but I wish she had never said anything to me, even if they were just her own assumptions & observations.

Trying to be transparent

Things have been falling into place & just like in the past, I dont surprise myself when I try to take control of my life all over again. I must confess that going to therapy has been a huge eye opening experience. I meet with this lady named Kathy, she is sweet & a great listener (of course) & really challenges me. she asks a lot of questions and really tests me. sometimes I really dont want to answer questions, but I feel the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart & reminding me that the only way I will experience growth is to be trasparent & completely honest. Some of the things I am opening up about are slightly hurtful. they are things that I never share with anyone because it hurts to even talk about, but the moment I opened up with Kathy I realized how much I needed to talk about those things. Its crazy how Satan tries to make us think that our lives arent important enough, or that we arent worth anything. I am really trying to grasp God's love for me, & I know that I havent been able to. there is so much holding me back from REALLY experiencing Gods love & forgivenes. But I am learning & I am seeing in myself the things that God sees in me, & what He desires to see in me.

I have a new job. I am working at IMPACT Rehabilitation Center, its a physical therapy office. I am enjoying every moment, learning new things & being a part of a great team. my schedule is great, I dont have much to complain about. waking up early sucks, but there are sacrifices right? the pay is great! it is the most I've made ever & I get to use the equipment to work out. every tuesday is employee work out. its amazing. it is a great atmosphere, & I really feel like I am practicing my passion for talking to people & interacting with them. its a HUGE blessing.


"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much." Luke 16:10

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well

I am getting a better perception of my life & what the Lord really desires to teach me. Its been a difficult & trying time because I am constantly having to discern things that come my way. I feel as though God has me kicking & screaming as He tries showing me something about myself, I imagine myself standing before Him while putting my hands over my eyes in an attempt at hiding from the person He is showing me I really am. Not that I am so unhappy with who I am, but when God reveals to you things you had no idea existed in your heart its scary. In just a couple weeks I feel as though I have been stretched & broken... being broken is painful. In no particular order, I was struggling finding a job, my friendship with Logan was unhealthy, I felt punished by people around me, I didn't have time for anything (because time is money, money is time & I definitely don't have money), & I've had such a strong desire to start smoking again, didn't know if God was telling me to step down from leadership, was thinking of leaving Wilshire Ave. completely & finding a new church, I had even taken a step & emailed the pastor at Calvary Chapel Fullerton & was talking to him about their college ministry.

I was not stressed out or going crazy, there were just so many things going on, & I really don't know how I am still alive. ha. I am really so thankful for the things that God is bringing me through, I believe one hundred percent He is working things out for the good, after all He is the author & finisher of our faith. God has begun this work in my heart that is going to take time & perseverance. Selflessness is probably one of the hardest things to learn, & even harder to practice.

The Lord has been so patient with me & has given me a peace about the things I am going through, I am trying my hardest to walk in the Spirit & lean on Christ, & not my own understandings.


Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. & hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Worry worry worry

I am so flipping worried. honestly, I am worried about money, I am worried about my relationships with people, I am worried about whether or not I am stepping down from leadership, I am worried about whether I am leaving Wilshire, I am worried that I have such negative feelings towards so many people, I am worried that all of this is effecting my relationships with my family, I am worried that I will never talk to my dad again, I am so worried & I hate it. I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. I want so badly to run away from it ALL. I just want to go away for good.

Brenda

I am one who does not handle failures well. whether they are personal failures, or failures of others, I take it hard & I dwell in them. I have remained so strong yet so weak this past month & a half, & tonight all of that ran through my mind. last Thursday Andy's friend Peter spoke at continuum. he spoke about so many things that pierced my heart & the biggest one that my heart has repeated back to me was to "run to Jesus immediately" Peter shared his sin & talked about the times he had fallen & that the best thing to do was always to run immediately back to Jesus. to leave no room for Satan to place guilt on your heart & to leave no room for shame. my way of running to Jesus tonight was by seeking out accountability & someone to confess to. the only person I would go to is Brenda. so I did, & I told her how I felt, & what I was thinking, I confessed that it was hard to believe that at this moment God saw me as beautiful & loved me... she reassured me, & persisted to give me words of comfort & encouragement. she repeatedly told me she loved me & it took away the fear of having to confront the issue. I ran to Jesus by running to a sister. I really dont know what I would do without her.

God is no magician

I have been in this daily acknowledgment of the things God is doing in my life, with those around me,in my heart, & in the hearts of the people I care about. It has been tough but it has been so good. It has been a season of healing & restoration personally, I feel like God has been taking all the pieces of my broken life & super gluing them together. but not in a way that we sometimes expect God to do things; not like a magician, (painless & quick) but like a God that desires growth in our lives, one step at a time & maybe a little painful. I believe that if God wanted to He could erase the pain that I felt in a second, again like a magician. but that is not God.

By allowing God to have control over my entire life I have experienced a joy that doesnt compare to being happy or content. it has been something beyond that, something permanent & consistent. I'm not going to lie, it gets hard sometimes. I sit & I cry when I remember everything I have been through, I ask God "is this really the only way" & every time, His answer is yes. how could I argue with that. I dont know what is best for me, He does. & who prefers a driver that knows where he's going, over someone who is not too sure if its a left or a right at the next light.

What hurts isnt what God is doing, after all, He is restoring me & healing me of the pain I once felt. when I hurt, I hurt over what has happened & the reminder of it, & I'll always remember it but I wont be consumed by it like I have in the past.

So daily I am acknowledging God's goodness & grace in my life.


Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 3:1a

I dont have a boyfriend

I am currently having a conversation with my good friend that I dont get many opportunities to talk to. (we are both normally busy, & we live in different cities) So when we get to talk, we ask the typical questions you ask when you havent talked in a while. he asked me "whats new? hot boyfriend? sweet job?" I didnt get into what was new but only answered that I currently had no boyfriend, no job, & no money, but that I was happier than ever. A few months ago if my answer had been the same, I'd probably follow that by saying that I was miserable. but that is not the case, I am happy. I am happy because I have Jesus. I have a relationship with the LIVING GOD, that brings me comfort & provides for my every need.

I am not writing off my need for a job to pay for bills, I have been trying for at least 3 solid weeks to look for a job, I have emailed a total of like 30 resumes to different offices, & have had 3 interviews. [so I AM trying.] & not ONE has contacted me with a job offer (except one sketchy office that i declined)... & you know, Christ has been perfecting my faith in the Father, by stretching me. I have prayed & He has provided.

I have always counted on the things that I have for my happiness. my relationships with the opposite sex, the money I make, & the job that I have, & my possessions, forgetting that my true joy & happiness is in Christ. but tonight, when I answered my friends questions & said that I had nothing but Christ, I smiled because for the first time in my whole life, I am completely content, & it is coincidently (or not) the same time that I have "nothing."




"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1&2

He must increase, but I must decrease

Last night there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I met with Andy finally and we were both able to share what has been on our hearts and minds for the past couple weeks. It really had been a burden for me. I was experiencing restoration and growth while this one relationship was being torn down by a lack of communication and honesty. The last time we talked we both left feeling frustrated and helpless. He desired to help me and I did not want help. During my process and journey towards a better relationship with Christ, my relationship with Andy was cold and unwelcomed, but last night everything was put on the table and there was reconciliation because of forgiveness and grace. Last night I was reminded that I am on the right path, and that my effort and dedication to my relationship with the Lord is not in vain.

I have been through so much in the last few years, and never have I fully allowed God to have control of my life. I might have prayed "Your will be done in my life.." but in my heart my prayer sounded more like "Your will be done in my life... minus the areas that I want to take care of, minus the relationships that I want control over, minus the decisions that seem scary..." I cannot say that at this moment I have given God that full and complete control, because I still dont know what that looks like, but with my whole heart I desire to be in His will, for His desires to be my own; He must increase, but I must decrease.

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.


Psalm 23

Friends?

I am a bit hurt at the moment, and I wanted to write instead of texting my friends and hearing "I'm sorry's" because although I appreciate their sympathy, at this moment I just want to keep it to myself (and to whoever reads this in the future)I've had this idea of what things are suppose to look like for "us"... I imagined, immediatley after taking a step back, that we would have a something that consisted of encouragment and a sense of true friendship, a brand new opportunity, different than anything else. A chance to reconstruct something we had both really torn down. Heal brokeness, and heal past pains and betrayals. I imagined myself learning to be more forgiving and allowing God to do His part in making me a woman who's eyes are always on Jesus.

Now, what I didn't imagine was that we would never talk, and he wouldn't return my texts, and more so, that he would do all of this and face me with a uniterested attitude.

I am terrified of sharing this with him. I am terrified of sitting in front of him, vulnerable, speaking my heart. Because I fear his response, and I fear the outcome.

Maybe it is best for things to be this way right now. Maybe I shouldn't fight it or try to change things myself.... In the beginning he told me he was afraid of what things would be like between us (our friendship) we both had so many questions, and the only thing I said was that we needed to seek God and ask Him what He knew things needed to look like, and maybe this is the outcome of it. Now thinking about it like that, its easier to accept.

Lightness

I am in a good place right now. I have remained hopeful but balanced with the idea that it won't happen for me again. I have allowed healing to begin, which means that sometimes when it hurts I start to pray and I ask God to comfort me, and almost instantly I am reminded of why certain decisions were made, and I am no longer scared. When I feel sad and I feel like crying, I cry. Because nothing comes from holding it back, except a knot in my throat; and nothing comes from pretending to be so tough and emotionless, but a broken heart with no expectation to mend. Sometimes I smile at the thought of our situation,even the worst of it, because although it hurts, I know how much happier we could be in the end.


" All her eagerness for life hung by one thread: _____'s voice. For it was _____'s voice that had once coaxed forth her timorous soul from its hiding place in her bowels."

My plan?

It has been for several days now that there has been a pain in my heart. I have been trying my best to rely on the Lord for healing and peace, yet I keep trying to come up with my own solutions. Thoughts of running away and getting out of this place run around in my mind over and over again. Even in the most dramatic ways possible I picture myself packing my things and leaving without saying goodbye. My life isn't too hard, sure I have a few issues and sure I have negative influences, but its nothing that God can't handle. Its nothing that I can't handle, Gods Word specifically tells me that God will never give me more than I can handle..so why do I insist on leaving it all behind? Why do I desire nothing but to breakfree of the life I live here in buena park, or fullerton, or at wilshire avenue. I am careful not to confuse all of these thoughts for desires of running away from my problems in order to not deal with them, because I am dealing with them, and I want to continue that, I don't want to leave behing unfinished business and unsettled issues, that would be unfair, and absolutely not good for my soul. I do have a plan, and I am open to God changing it, but I want to leave in a year. Out of southern california and out of my group of friends. I love my friends and no doubt it would be hard and painful, but it would be ok. My family is a different story, it would make any of this the most difficult thing for me to do, but I know I would have their support and prayers, and that's all that matters.


I have no idea where ill end up same time next year, I could quite possibly change my mind and my desires will change and I won't want leave, maybe I will find my calling in southern cali again for another year or more... Maybe ill even look back at this blog and think about how silly my thoughts were.. And say " what was I thinking? " , and that's ok...

Recently

It is mind blowing the amount of things that have been going on these last few days. I'm having a hard time taking it all in and organizing my thoughts. But this is only the beginning of the work that God is doing in my life, and in the life of those around me, people that I care about a lot. I'm really thankful for the support that I find in certain friends, I am beginning a new chapter in my life and I know that I have so much to learn. I am ready to take this head on and be stretched and brought out of the places I have been.

I've most recently been reminded of who I use to be. Its sadening when people still think of you that way, these people who never take the time to know who you really are. But because I am faced with who I use to be, I realize how much I have grown...

Heartbreak from the age of 11

A friend of mine inspired me to start writing more again. She started her first blog and I thought of when I started my first blog, and even when I started keeping a journal as a little girl. I will often look through a lot of my old composition notebooks and read about the beginnings of my boy problems and issues with insecurites. I wrote about that a lot. boy problems and insecurites always went hand in hand, I would write about what happened with a certain boy and then Id express how I felt. most of the time the expression of my emotions was negative, Id write about how hurt I was or how upset I was. this is all from the age of like 11 and on. I realized how early on I had begun to experience the pain of heartbreak and dissapointment. since then not much has changed, my heart has been broken and I have been let down more times than I can count. at the age of twenty going on twenty-one, I can say that I have sincerely cared deeply for a whopping total of five guys. I have decided on the number five because anything before the first of them I still only looked out for myself and was an extremely selfish person.(and because 5 is the number that John Cusack uses in High Fidelity) to each of these guys I owe a bit to because of who I am today. (of course not all credit is given to them, full credit is given to my Lord for saving me and giving me life to begin with!) Joshua Bandy, Eric Limburg(surprisingly made it to the list), Clint Cook, Logan Brubaker, Shayne Stuart. I wont go into detail with what they brought out in me, but they have had an impact in my life. to clarify, I have been in a relationship with only 2 of the guys on that list, the others have been close or just amazingly great friends. they havent all broken my heart, but the ones that have, have really shattered my ideas of relationships and have caused me to shy away from relationships. I am hesitant to trust the people who claim to care about me for fear of being taken advantage of and have my heart abused by the ones I gave it to. because its happened, not because my parents divorced when I was 11, and because I have issues concerning my relatinoship with my father, but because since the age of 11, I was already experiencing being hurt by boys and I was already experiencing immature relationships that would end because they found someone better or because I found someone better. I really hope that the next person I am with becomes my husband.

Damnit.I can't fight for this anymore.

Whenever I think about writing a new blog entry, I always think of myself beginning each thought process with the words " I don't know" I've come to realize that there are a lot of things I just, DONT KNOW. I do know that I will never know everything... But I hope that someday I will come to some understanding of most things, important things, things that allow me to get through my life without killing myself. (Dark humor)

Diagnosed

Why is it that not until you experience real tragedy that you begin to see life in a different light...today we found out my aunt was diagnosed with bone cancer. A few years ago she had breast cancer and up until last weekend we all thought it was under control, but it had spread to her spine and her ribs. Bone cancer...how is one suppose to deal with that, she now has a more intense chemotherapy to endure. When you are diagnosed with cancer, the next step is to have chemo. Chemo kills everything inside of you; you're prone to an illness which your body has absolutely no means to fight off. A common cold could end your life. How the hell are you suppose to handle that?! Are you suppose to get into a plastic bubble to protect yourself from germs, or lock yourself in a sealed room where someone has to be sprayed from head to toe just to enter? Condemned to living in fear of experiencing the rest that your life has to offer and ignore your purpose? Shit. Life is tough.

I don't know about my own life right now. Where is my eternal perspective?

BFF

This is all about beginning a friendship, one that will last forever, one that is positive & selfless; a friendship that I will learn from & grow from. I am happy & thats what matters to me right now.

I'm your stranger, jump!

I am in a position where currently I don't care what people say about my choices. I don't want to hear that they don't approve or that they don't think its a good decision. I am not at all saying that I don't appreciate the people in my life that really speak their minds (autumn, janine, brenda) but I want to figure this out on my own, without people filling my heart with doubts. I think things over ten times fast, so anything people say to me I've already thought about. I may sound a bit arrogant, and I am aware of that, but I've waited so long for this moment in my life and I just want to take it in, even if it hurts me in the future, I am not going to live the next years of my life in regret, wishing that I had taken a leap of faith, and trusted my heart. I am going to take that leap, and be happy.

Start over

You know that when you are given a second chance at things you want to do everything perfectly, careful not to mess things up the second time around. The first time around I took what I had for granted and abused of it. This time I'm going to do things differently...with experience and growth behind me I'm ready to see what I can do now, what I can learn, and most importantly, trust that God has a plan greater than my own.

Am I that negative?

I think its ok for me to admit that I'm not doing so well. I dont want to pretend like I'm great. Since Shayne & I broke up I have felt different. My attitude about things is different & the way I think about things is different. I dont necessarily think Shayne & I breaking up is directly connected to my change, but its how I date it. I've always been told that I am a negative person, but I'm recently seeing it more, & its really getting to me.

San Diego drive

My blog

It's funny how I just found out that people are actually reading my blog. I didnt expect anyone other than my closest friends to read it. What I find even funnier than that is the people reading it dont do it for the purpose of finding out what I'm about or because they care about how I'm doing, but they read this so they have something more to gossip about. Hey you, have fun reading about my life & my struggles. I hope they are interesting enough for you & they satisfy you. Take care.

well, I'll continue to write about whatever I want, in hopes of finding myself.


Beatriz Chavez

Almost lover

Damn, this is not easy. Because my sane mind knows that my decision is the right one, the one that will ultimately bring me happiness even if its tough now, but my insane mind wants to take him back the moment I see him for lunch today. & I am just being honest. I know he is going to come to me with all the right words with all the solutions...but they still wont be good enough & I know that with all my heart. I am tired of making excuses for the guys I am with. I did that with Logan & I'm doing it with Shayne. Its time that I got what I deserve. Its time that I stopped settling. Shayne is amazing & I have had so much fun with him, he's made me so happy & has treated me so well, but we dont see eye to eye in everything. & that has to be important to me. we talked a bit yesterday & he kept calling me babe, & I felt weird, he acted as though nothing had happened. I woke up at 1ish this morning to a text from him saying "shlub you kiddo. hope this works out" wtf.

Text messaging is overrated

I had an interesting morning today. For the last 2 weeks I have received random text messages from an exboyfriend (if you know me, I'm very sure you know who I am referring to) the text messages are very short & rarely is there any emotion behind them, at least, none that I can see through a text message. Sometimes he asks me how I am (which no longer bothers me.) sometimes he asks me other questions, like about the new Johns Incredible Pizza Place at the Buena Park Mall, sometimes its just to let me know that he thinks he saw me driving on Beach Blvd. near Biola. (which I wasn't) anyways...these text messages haven't been bothering me because I realized that we could be civil & I no longer had to hate him & could move past my past... but this morning text conversation would be different. (keep in mind this is all through text messaging. which I have unlimited of. lol. ) It started with him saying "I had a dream about you last night =/" in the world of text message communication, this face "=/" means something negative. I was definitely afraid to ask for details of the dream, but my curiosity made it easy. I noticed he hesitated in telling me what it was about, twice he said "I cant say." which turned it into a game to me because now I had to know. long story short, the dream was about a group of us hanging out in his apartment & us 2 going to another room...my jaw dropped immediately when I read that. he proceded to tell me that it had made him sad & that those dreams made him miss me (which implied he had had more before) & that it made things harder for him. I was honest with him & told him that he only felt that way because he had the dream, he responded "I actually feel like that a lot...youre on my mind a lot. more than you think. thats why I text you" that was the biggest bucket of SH** to land on my head! our little text conversation ended with me telling him that it wasnt ok to talk about this, & to forget about it... but I've felt like crap all day & I didnt forget about it... I keep replaying what he said to me; he thinks about me all the time, he misses me, its hard for him... what is expected of me is to forget he said that & continue moving on with my life, but I've always fallen short of expectations & I'm afraid.

Living in the past?

Never has there been a more consistent relationship than the one that I had with Logan. not even my relationship with God was this consistent. every other relationship I've experienced (including my relationship with God) has been burned down by my own inconsistency & or the inconsistency of the other person (minus God) Logan was my first experience of what a relationship is like. I think that that is the reason for why I find myself so jaded when it comes to my relationship with Shayne. Shayne is a great guy, he treats me so well & really cares about me; he really respects me & constantly makes me laugh & we have such a great time together, (the inevitable) but there is something missing. This is where I begin to blame it on what I had with Logan, its the only thing I can rationalize, I realized just a couple days ago that I had been living completely in the pass. everything that I did with Shayne I had Logan in mind, comparing them to no end. I am not saying that Shayne is not amazing, but we are just starting a relationship, where as though things with Logan ended almost 4 months ago, my heart still looks back at what happened & only wants that. a total sign that I am living in the past, in hopes that I will find someone just like Logan (which is impossible) but more importantly, a relationship just like my relationship with Logan. & dammit that makes me sad, more than sad, that depresses me. I am not saying that I am not happy with Shayne, I am happy, but my relationship with him is erratic.

Things that are inconsistent:
He doesn't always call when he says he will. (pet peeve)
Sometimes he talks real sweet, with a lot of reassurance in his tone.
The amount of time we spend together. (maybe a full day, tops)
The things he talks about.



I am not at all saying that I wish I was with Logan, I am just being honest when I say that I still hold on to what we had, because it was an important time in my life, & an important learning experience. a first of a lot of things. call it living in the past or call it whatever you want, I'm just trying to take away from it what I can.

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

In the last few days I have been making decisions that are presently working towards my happiness & could quite possibly turn into future sadness. (only time will tell) I had this great talk with Brenda last night & I was really surprised that I didnt get the reaction I expected from her, which is also the reaction I expect from anyone. I talked to her about my decision to begin a relationship with someone she didnt know, & in a sense, I suppose, didnt approve of. Not because he is a bad person but because she doesnt know him. I find myself stepping into a new chapter, where I am getting what I deserve - a person who treats me the way I want to be treated, makes me happy & respects me. But I am still skeptical of it all & I know he knows that. I feel like there are so many restrictions in our relationship, like we've already set what can & cant be done, & I mean emotionally. There's no way I can get use to this.

I like you

Relationships are so scary to me now. Even the very beginning when there is nothing going on, when youre not fighting about anything & youre just so into each other that all you want to do is be with each other every day.

Yesterday morning we got up real early & made our way down to San Diego with his friend Cameron. the Red Bull Air Races were going on & we spent the day in Downtown. this whole time I was having such a great time. So last night when we went back to his house we were watching tv, but not really because we were just looking at each other & letting out sighs. I thought it was a perfect moment to tell him that I liked him. just moments before he had told me that he liked me, so I responded " you know, I like you" & we kept it simple. I sat there & let it sink in, I had just taken a step forward. I love the way he responded, he just smiled & kissed me on my nose, then we finished watching tv.

It's still scary to me, but I feel as though I'm almost enjoying the fear of this relationship. Who cares if it doesnt work out, or if I change my mind about him, or if he changes his mind about me. I like him now.

My new 2008 Nissan Versa!

Beginning a new chapter

A few days ago I was cleaning my room, I was throwing things away that I had been holding on to for too long & refused to throw away, letting go (of some things) was easy. I was putting things into boxes, things that I knew I'd want to take with me... not just to bring along into my new apartment but bring along into my life & this new chapter of my life. Old pictures, letters, & a collection of random items. There were so many things I couldnt believe had survived through the years, each bringing good & bad memories. I cried over some & laughed about others as they were thrown into the trash. I've been avoiding throwing out a particular box which surprisingly holds a lot of stuff for being worth only 6 months of my life. I dont know why I dont throw it out. I really dont think that its because I'm holding on to him, I havent looked inside the box in 3 months. So this time when I was cleaning my room, I was sure that it would be thrown into the trash & I didnt do it. & I dont freaken know why! its like I was given an opportunity to dispose of something-that should have no place in my life or in my room, & especially not in this brand new chapter of my life- & I freaked. what am I afraid of? what do I think I'm giving up or losing? It's like I desire to erase him completely from my life, & never think about him again, as though to count him dead. But one cant do that, its impossible. Maybe I need to start smaller. Maybe I'll begin with forgiving him. When I go home today, I'm throwing away that box.

Ending?

He takes my breath away, yet I still search for the reason it will end.

Jeremiah 17:9

How messed up are the thoughts in my head & how wicked are the things in my heart, I am really being affected by my present situation. I am experiencing so much all at once & my mind, & even body is begging me to slow down. I think I am stepping down from leadership at church. I'm not sure, that that's where the Lord wants me right now. I really am in need of days off from work. so I asked for monday off. since I dont normally work sundays or tuesdays, its my three day weekend. most of the time will be spent with the boy I'm sure. I havent seen him in a week, & I can honestly say that I am ok with that.



The heart is deceitful above all things, & desperately wicked; Who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

I still look every time I pass by

I still get this feeling in my gut when I think of the last year of my life. I went into a relationship that I thought was the most amazing thing ever, but 6 months later that relationship ended & that season of my life tugs at my stomach & I have a hard time breathing when I think about it. I am going into something new, time will tell if its good for me. I am ok with not knowing everything right now. I am enjoying myself & learning not to take it too serious this time around. I think I kinda like him. first time I've said it, or admitted it. thats ok in my book. I like him. remember to breathe Beatriz.

Not vulnerable...yet

I am really confused right now, & I cant figure out exactly what I am confused about. Maybe it's just that I like to make things complicated for myself sometimes, just to remind me that I have an ability to work stuff out & feed my pride. I know something about myself, I have this tendency to look for satisfaction in these things, I know it sound so contradicting but its the truth. Sometimes I really just like to over analyze things & make myself feel something, misery, frustration, & dissapointment. I dont know why I torture myself. I think its about my current relationship, but stuff with the boy are going extremely well, we talk a lot & we spend a lot of time together. I like being around him, he makes me laugh a whole lot. He picked me up early morning yesterday & we drove down to Newport to his friends house on the beach. After spending the whole day there, we had dinner at my favorite restaurant & then went back to his house to watch a movie. It was a great night. I cant stop smiling. Why, despite all these good feelings do I continue to bring myself down? Janine once asked me if I believed that I deserved to be happy, & my answer was yes, but to be happy is to be vulnerable. at least thats how I feel about it. There is no way that I will allow myself to feel vulnerable anytime soon. But I feel happy, how does that work? Believe me, it all makes sense in my head. I am happy, but I sometimes find it necessary to bring myself down.

A blog written while I was in Mallorca, Spain

Novemeber 18, 2006
Since I've been here in spain its been everything but extremely horrible. I've had bad days & even days where I've wanted to hurt some people. but the more time I spend here I see the power of God working in my life, His ability to change my heart completely, change my attitude, & even change the way I feel about people. i dont know why I thought I could ever do anything on my own. God is much more powerful than I & even more powerful than George W. Bush. [insert laugh here. but I'm still being serious] all my 19 years of my life I've lived thinking that the right thing to be was this independent woman, only concerned with that which would bring me happiness & help me. but now [more than ever] I want to be so dependent on God, I want to find my strength to do things in Him, & I want to find comfort in Him. I've seen all the other things & people that I've placed my dependence on [including myself] & its lead me no where. I've always found my self at a dead end wanting an escape, & the cool thing is that I've found it. ive found it in the only one who loves me enough to give His life for me. in that I find my strength, peace, & my comfort.


Its hard to believe that this was almost 2 years ago. God has brought me so far, but to this day I see this idea in everything that I do.

Heart

I'm learning to not take myself so seriously. There is no need when it comes to my situation with this new guy. This is all just apart of taking things slow with him & this new thing we have going on. I can safely say that I continue to guard my heart, I dont take the things he says seriously either, I think I am standing on this line of a hardened heart & a guarded heart. I hope I keep finding that balance.



Hear, my son, and be wise;
& guide your heart in the way
Proverbs 23:19

Radiohead

August 27, 2008 I will be seeing the genius band Radiohead, accompanied by my sister. My body & soul is ready to feel the music in our blood.

Isaiah 60:1

I am so glad that God has given me some sort of wisdom these last few days, knowing what is important is that I guard my heart & lean not on my own understandings. I am drawing closer to God now more than ever & beginning to trust Him with my situations. I am seeing Him work in such amazing ways & I am constantly being encouraged. The other night at the youth group one of the junior high girls that I've been mentoring since last summer accepted the Lord as her savior & began her relationship with God. I was rejoicing & praising God because I knew He is going to do so many things through that girl. In the midst of a troubled life of a junior higher, going through a parents divorce, stressing out about older brothers & friends getting caught up in drugs-she saw the light & walked right into the arms of the Lord. I dont see anything more beautiful that than here on earth. We prayed together, not the sinners prayer but a sincere prayer for forgiveness & salvation. I told her to spend some time alone with God when she went home, & get away from distractions. She messaged me on myspace the next day, & this is what she said,


" im super excited. ima start coming every wednesday so i can talking to u about the differences in my life.i luv u so much u have no idea how thnkfull i am to be able to talk to someone like u :D,"


This brings such a true joy to my heart. Praise the Lord.





Arise, shine, for your light has come, & the glory of the LORD rises upon you. -Isaiah 60:1

No kissing

Though its been sudden I really like how things are going. We went out to dinner last night & then went to his friends' apartment in newport beach & watched a trippy movie. Sat on the couch together. It was nice. I got along with his friends, so thats good right? So today he picked me up from work & we went & got some pizza. Watched tv at my house then he brought me back to work & he went to work. It's nice to spend time with someone like him. I think I'm getting past fears I have. I'm not saying that I am completely ready to be in another relationship, I'm definitely taking this slower than what my relationship with Logan was, that was way too fast. I've learned so much from being with Logan for almost 6 months, I'll give him that. I'm happy with the way things are going. I like that there's no kissing or more than shoulder touching while watching a movie, we are not there yet, & I think it will be a bit before we are. For the first time ever, I'm content with that. I've always been one to validate myself with the affection & attention of the opposite sex, & as soon as there was a change in their behavior towards me I questioned myself. Not healthy at all. I hope & pray that I do a better job of guarding my heart this time & allow God to guard my heart more importantly.

Ready?

I keep asking myself whether or not I think I'm ready to date someone. Not that I'm forcing anything or purposefully going out of my way to find a date every friday night, but I'm preparing myself. My views of dating of very liberal. I dont kiss every boy I go out with, I dont immediately give up my heart, I feel like I am capable of dating in a mature & responsible way. Why must everyone I know make dating so complicated & give the word/idea such a negative connotation? There is nothing wrong with me if I want to get to know someone over a free dinner.

So today when someone called me & asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I readily said yes. He is a sweet guy & superrrr handsome. I'm sure dinner will go well & then after I'll decide if I want to continue. & you know, I'm ok with this.

Dreamer

I woke up in a great mood this morning, with a smile on my face. This is all despite waking up late for work. I think it was because I was in this deep sleep dreaming the most beautiful dream. I ran away from home & jumped on a plane to El Paso. He picked me up & we drove around aimlessly looking for an adventure to take on together. We found our first adventure at a book store & sat on couches reading & making jokes & laughing at everything. I remember thinking over & over is this really happening? (sadly it wasnt, but I didnt know that) We left the book store & hung out in the car. Talked & talked about everything. We shared secrets & stared at each other for hours. I'm a dreamer. I wish it had been real.

El Paso

Learning to breathe

I am beginning to see that I am accomplishing many of my goals these last few days. Small things, but somewhere I find motivation. My motivation does not come from a desire to please others like it has in the past, but to please my Lord. It has come from my passion to see God glorified in my life.

"Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. " 1 Corinthians 15:57

Boo Bea

I sincerely wish I had never given up. We said we never would, & I was the first to go.

I'm not ready.

It is mind blowing that you could go from being with someone for so long& being completely crazy about them, to not being with them at all. One moment you see them everyday & spend every minute with them,&the next you can't even stand to be in the same room with them, the thought of them causes you pain& your memories together become the saddest moments. I miss logan, I miss him a lot. We shared a lot, but im not sad because I want to be with him. Im sad because I know deep down im not over him, because deep down he has a hold on my heart. Im not ready to move on, he is. I have not let go.

Even though a cute & smart guy asked me out today, it didn't feel right. My heart didn't feel right. He has a new girlfriend & I can't even see myself getting to know someone else.

A letter I will never give him

I saw you tonight & my first instinct was to go right up to you & kiss your face & hug your body, to tell you about my long day & ask about yours. It has been almost 2 months now & my heart still reacts the same way. When I see you I still want to hold your hand, I still expect you to look at me like you use to. Every time I see you, I think back on all the things we both did wrong & I wish that we could go back & just do it all over again, maybe then I'd be happy. Though I know you will never read this, I have questions to ask you... are you honestly & sincerely happy?

Can you tell me why I sit here & cry over you, while you continue to be selfish & add another relationship to your list. You see, that's your problem. The way you dealt with our break up was to immediately start seeing someone else... you know that I can't even think of holding another persons hand other than yours, do you know that I don't have even the smallest desire to kiss someone. Do you know that I've built a wall so high that I feel almost incapable of caring about anyone as much as I cared about you. I bet you don't... I bet you don't know that I've dreamt about you every night for the last week, & that it brings me such pain to see your face. You have no idea because you are so caught up in yourself & you don't care that I am hurting. I lied when I said I didn't care what you were doing. I lied when I told all my friends that I was "way over you" , & I lied when I said I was ready to move on. I haven't moved on, & im scared.

I'm so far away from where I want to be. I just thought I'd let you know.



Love, Beatriz

Unemployed

& before I forget, I quit my job today. I was given no other choice. I know things will work out.

Moving out

My mind is full of insecurities & worries concerning my fast coming adventure. In a few months I will begin this whole new chapter of my life. Brand new responsibilities, brand new expectations & an (almost) fully independent lifestyle. I say almost because I know that there will come a day when I won't be able to pay a bill, & I will ask my mom or dad for money. & that is ok. I'm just beginning this. I don't need to "get it right" the first time. I can't wait to do this. Katlynne, I can't wait to cook us dinner, or take turns washing the bathroom, or even go grocery shopping for the first time. This is an adventure, & I'm so excited that you're coming along.

Piece of peace

Commitment

At age eleven I experienced my parents' marriage go to hell. For the last nine years I haven't talk about it. When people asked the inevitable question, "are your parents still together?" my answer never surprised me or anyone. The idea of something so sacred becoming so cheap & unimportant in the eyes of the world makes me sad. I see marriage as such a beautiful reflection of the relationship that God desires to have with each one of us. It goes beyond a legal contract. It is a commitment to one another. A COMMITEMENT. What does that even mean to us anymore?

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. "

Ephesians 5:22-29



If a husband loves his wife like Christ loved the church (in a selfless way, wanting nothing in return) a wife will want to submit. If a wife submits, the husband will want to love her selflessly. It works. So tell me why so many marriages fail, aside from the obvious answer.

Work

This morning I woke up & realized how many mornings I wake up thinking "why am I getting up this early?" I feel so unsatisfied with the amount of sleep I get. I wake up with less than 30 minutes to get ready & I have to force myself to pick out something to wear that is appropriate for the office, do my hair (which I don't like doing), I don't eat breakfast, & I do my makeup in the car on the way to work. I'm so unsatisfied with what I do. I have desires to do so much more & be so much more & I know this is just a stepping stone, but who knows how long I'll be here.

Just waiting.

These past couple weeks my mind has been to new places. There is something building up inside of me wanting to escape. I don't know what it is. It's like I have all of these ideas that are waiting to catch some air, waiting to reach someone else's ear & resound in their heart. It all comes from deep within my soul, beyond my consciousness , beyond my deceiving & evil heart. Just waiting. Waiting to be heard.